


Precious

by Caramelquokka0325



Series: Ot8 Family [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Blind Character, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Romance, Family Drama, Father-Son Relationship, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, Healing, Slice of Life, soft
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-13
Updated: 2020-09-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:00:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 37,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26450776
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Caramelquokka0325/pseuds/Caramelquokka0325
Summary: Jisung didn’t plan on having his life turned upside down with a baby of all things. He didn’t have dropping out of college in his plans. He didn’t have taking care of a baby, alone, in his mind at all. Even though Jeongin was the center of his universe, not everything was in alignment. The biggest question was, could they make it together? Or did Jisung need a plan B?Chan knew for the first time what a broken heart was. For the first time he experienced what it was like to lose a child. It was the worst blow that could be received. People say time is healing, but time continues to pass and Chan feels stuck. How do you fix a broken heart without the center of your universe there with you?As always, my summaries are actually the worst! Please give it a try regardless of the summary!
Series: Ot8 Family [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1922776
Comments: 77
Kudos: 154





	1. Jisung

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone! I wanted to post something for you all after I had to edit my other series and take a bit of time to rewrite! I hope this story isn’t too random or boring! I wrote it a long time ago and pulled it out of my storage to post it. This one is definitely more thought provoking in my opinion. I use flashbacks too, which I have never tried before so I hope it works! (They are in italics) Hope you enjoy!

Jisung was woken up by the bed shifting slightly under him. He hummed as another body pushed the blankets back to wiggle down into the warmth. Jisung kept his eyes shut even though warm, gentle breaths dusted across his nose.

A small hand bumped into his chest and then brushed feather light over his face. Fingertips ghosted over his eyes, checking if he was awake, drawing a smile from Jisung. He reached his arm out under the blankets and curled around the small boy lying next to him. A giggle tickled his ear as he pulled him close to his chest.

“It’s too early.” He murmured, the darkness being an indication of the fact, but it was lost to the boy snuggled up to him.

“How long?” Small fingers cupped his mouth like it was a secret.

“We’ll get up in…” Jisung blinked at the alarm clock by his bed. “One hour.”

It was an improvement. Sleeping and waking times had no schedule unless Jisung made a schedule. Sometimes he would be woken up in the middle of the night being asked to make breakfast.

Jisung quickly realized it would be no use trying to sleep more. The boy next to him was squirmy and wide awake. He held back a sigh as he pushed the blankets off of them.

“Are we going to the park today?” his voice was excited.

“Yep, it’s park day.” Jisung winced as he stood, slowly stretching his back muscles.

He had maybe only two full hours of sleep the night before so his brain was foggy and his body heavy. But it was park day so he had to get up.

“Come here Jeongin.” He stood in the doorway of the bathroom, watching the boy carefully.

The small five-year-old carefully felt for the edge of the bed before swinging his legs down first. He paused, facing the doorway and tilting his head in confusion.

“Let’s wash up before breakfast.” Jisung offered the aid of his voice in orienting him.

He walked confidently over to Jisung who smiled proudly. Once he was close, Jisung lifted him to stand on the bathroom stool so he could reach the sink. His face scrunched up adorably as he splashed water on his face.

Jeongin was born blind so completing everyday tasks took more effort than other kids. He was fiercely determined though and maybe a tad too confident. Jisung was proud with any step of progress they made.

Jeongin was working on memorizing the apartment still. Everything stayed in its place so he could have easy access to what he needed. He still liked Jisung to carry him in the mornings though. He was five but he still liked being carried occasionally, especially when the floor was cold under his small feet.

Plus, he still felt uncertain since they had only moved to the new apartment a month ago. His young mind sometimes became disoriented and he relied on Jisung to walk him through where he was and where he needed to go.

“What do you want for breakfast this morning?” Jisung asked, holding him up as they walked down the hall.

“Cereal!” Jeongin exclaimed. Cereal was his favorite and Jisung was more than happy to pour him a bowl instead of making a hot meal.

“You pick.” Jisung held him against his side and guided his hand to feel along the cereal boxes in the cupboard. Each box had a small shape cut out of the side which correlated with the type of cereal. That way Jeongin could “read” the choices in a sense.

“This one!” Jeongin grabbed a box and tucked it against his chest.

Jisung sat him down in his chair at the table and grabbed a bowl and spoon. He let Jeongin pour an amount as he retrieved the milk. Jeongin had probably poured a little too much but Jisung didn’t say anything this time.

“Before we go to the park I have to stop by somewhere okay?” Jisung told him.

“Okay!” Jeongin nodded as Jisung poured milk for him.

Every day Jisung fell a little more in love with the sweet little boy who he treasured so dearly. His small features resembled his mother a bit more than Jisung but he still had a similar nose and chubby cheeks. He was small for his age just like Jisung had been when he was younger. It just made it easier for Jisung to cuddle him.

Jisung had always been extra careful with Jeongin, especially with his disability. He wrapped him in a soft scarf before they headed out, also tugging mittens on his small hands. His jacket was getting a bit too small on him but Jisung hadn’t had time to go shopping recently. His wallet also hadn’t been overflowing in the past few months.

Jeongin walked alongside him happily as Jisung parked their car and led him out towards their destination.

“I’m going to have you sit down once we’re inside and stay put for just a little bit.” Jisung rubbed his thumb over the back of the smaller hand in his grasp. “I’ll try to be quick and then we can get a cookie or something.”

Jeongin bounced excitedly at the prospect of getting a treat. He was adventurous and at many times mischievous and playful, but in general he was well behaved.

The smell of books washed over them as Jisung stepped inside the bookstore he had applied for a job at. They had asked him to come on for an interview right away. It gave Jisung hope since he had been in and out of work for a while.

There was a comfy looking armchair tucked in the corner of the open room where Jisung placed Jeongin. He handed him a book that he had brought from home and let him know he could call if he needed anything.

The store owner greeted him warmly and gestured for him to step into the back.

“I’m terribly sorry sir, but would it be alright if we conducted the interview out here?” Jisung bowed his head slightly in respect. “I just want to keep an eye on my son.”

The storeowner complied and they sat within view of Jeongin. The beginning of the interview went well, but there was a conflict in the hours. Jisung was only able to work during the hours Jeongin was in school. His hours limited him to part time work which the shop owner wasn’t looking for.

When the interview was over, Jisung lifting Jeongin into his arms, needing the comfort after the interview. Surely his opportunity was gone.

“Can we get a cookie now?” Jeongin asked, wrapping his arms around Jisung’s neck.

“Sure bud, you did a good job!” He praised him.

“I want choco chip.” Jeongin decided.

“Okay, we can go to the coffeeshop by the park.” Jisung mapped out the route in his head quickly.

Jeongin was a simple soul. He had his likes and dislikes, his favorite toys and foods and games, and an endless love for reading like his father. Jisung thanked the heavens over and over for giving him such a happy go lucky kid.

Jisung was a writer. He was able to stay home and take care of his son while still doing his job, but he needed more than a little additional income for them to scrape by. Hence, his job search.

After a long day at the park, Jisung took Jeongin home. He was asleep in his car seat by the time they got back to their apartment. Luckily, Jeongin wasn’t terribly heavy so Jisung was able to lift him easily without waking him. Once he was changed into his pajamas, Jisung put him straight to bed.

Even though he was tired, Jisung knew that in the morning nothing would have changed. He still needed a job. At around ten he fired up his laptop and lay in bed, hoping to search through some job sites.

The sun coming in the window woke Jisung up in the morning. He groaned and rubbed his eyes, realizing that he had fallen asleep with his laptop still resting on his legs. He set it aside and went to wake Jeongin up.

As much as he loved his son with all of his heart, he felt a familiar ache in his chest sometimes when he looked at his bright, innocent face. He felt that he couldn’t give Jeongin the life he deserved. They had to move to a smaller apartment, move schools, and Jisung struggled to make enough for them to be able to simply live.

Jisung set out Jeongin’s clothes for the day first and grabbed his small pair of scuffed up sneakers from the closet.

“Hey honey.” Jisung ran his fingers through Jeongin’s hair to wake him up.

Honey was a nickname Jisung had begun to use when Jeongin was only a few months old. To him, Jeongin was the sweetest thing in the world. He was so pure and lovely but also warm and comforting like home. Now, he used the nickname on the daily.

“Good morning.” He leaned down to rub his nose against Jeongin’s tiny one as he stretched his arms with a yawn.

“Daddy.” Jeongin reached for Jisung sleepily.

“It’s time to get up.” Jisung lifted him onto his lap and combed his hair down gently.

“School today.” Jeongin nodded.

Jeongin loved school, which Jisung was endlessly grateful for. Many blind children struggled with school, especially when they were young. But Jeongin saw it as a new adventure every day.

“That’s right.” Jisung helped him tug off his sleep shirt and replaced it with the cute blue sweater with a whale on it.

“We get to play outside at this new school.” Jeongin told him for the third time. The old school had been small so the kids couldn’t go outside.

“Sounds fun.” Jisung helped him guide his arms through his sleeves.

He never got tired of their morning routine. Jeongin was just too cute when he was still half asleep. His toes wiggled as Jisung helped him with his socks and then his shoes. Finally the entire look was complete and Jeongin was awake.

“I want pancakes for breakfast!” Jeongin took Jisung’s hand to go to the kitchen.

“I don’t think I have time for pancakes this morning…” Jisung didn’t think he had the supplies either. “How about toaster waffles and fruit?”

“Okay!” Jeongin adjusted easily.

It was a bit disconcerting when Jisung looked in the fridge and found it almost empty. He might have to order take out for dinner that night and shop in the morning. His list of things to do seemed to increase hourly. This week especially he felt a little overwhelmed.

Once Jeongin was fed and ready to go, Jisung gathered their things and headed out the door. His school was a short drive from their apartment. Though there were specialized schools for children who were blind or visually impaired, Jeongin attended a regular neighborhood school. It was too expensive for Jeongin to send him to a specialized school, though he wished that he could.

When Jeongin was younger, he had spent most of his savings on classes, therapy and additional help for Jeongin to learn how to function while being blind. He learned to read in braille, had classes on orientation and mobility, and learned how to interact socially. He was still very young so it was only basic learning but it helped him tremendously.

Now he attended school with children who weren’t visually impaired. His last school had multiple teachers who were trained to assist him in any way he needed. The new school had no one.

Now of course Jisung had been very concerned about this. While they had resources and teachers for older students, they didn’t have for someone so young. Many young students were either taught at home or sent to specialized schools. Since Jisung couldn’t do either, he had to settle with what he had.

Jeongin was a trooper though. He didn’t seem to mind and the teachers were helpful in ways they could be. In some ways, Jeongin didn’t know he was all that different from the other kids.

Jisung rubbed his thumb over the back of Jeongin’s hand as they walked up to his classroom. He was always a bit more nervous than Jeongin, hoping that everything went well in his day since Jisung couldn’t be there to help him.

“Let me take your coat off.” Jisung crouched in front of him once they were in the classroom.

Jeongin shrugged his backpack off and held his arm out so Jisung could tug the sleeve down. Once he had the coat off, Jeongin felt around at his feet for his backpack and lifted it in his arms.

“I have a new cubby.” He told Jisung the new information.

“Oh…” Jisung scanned the rows to find his.

“Teacher moved mine so it’s closest to the door on the bottom.” Jeongin walked hesitantly to the wall and felt for the door then over to the cubbies. He crouched and pushed his backpack inside.

Jisung caught the eye of the lead teacher and smiled gratefully at her. Jeongin’s proud smile loosened some of the anxiety in his chest. He was glad they had made space for him in the classroom.

“If you have a moment, I have someone I would like you to meet.” She told Jisung as he patted Jeongin’s head.

A young man stood beside her, dressed in the black jeans and blue shirt uniform of the school. He had his thumbs in his pockets casually and exuded an air of confidence paired with a warm smile.

“I’ve been consistently approaching the school about providing a disabilities service worker in my classroom.” The teacher explained to Jisung. “There aren’t many teachers trained for this age so it has been hard.”

Jisung nodded, touched that she had gone so far to look for additional help for Jeongin.

“Last week they assigned our classroom a teacher trained for blind students.” She clasped her hands together excitedly. “This is Chan. He will be Jeongin’s personal aid for whatever resources he needs within the classroom.”

The young man standing next to her stepped forward and extended his hand to Jisung with the same warm smile he wore steadily.

“It’s so nice to meet you.” he greeted Jisung. “I just transferred from the specialized school within the city.”

Jisung shook his hand silently for a moment, so surprised and shocked that they actually had a teacher for Jeongin that he forgot his manners.

“I’m sorry! I’m just surprised!” he amended quickly. “It’s nice to meet you as well! I’m Jisung and this is Jeongin.”

He gestured to the boy still holding his hand and waiting for guidance into the room.

“I’m so glad to be working with your son.” Chan grinned at Jeongin. “I look forward to creating an environment where he can grow and learn as easily as possible!”

Jisung had to force himself not to stare since he was so astonished by everything happening. Chan seemed professional but also down to earth and engaging. It was like a dream come true for Jisung to have someone excited to help Jeongin.

“It would be ideal for you to stay with us in the classroom today as I get to know Jeongin, but I understand I came without much notice, so I am more than willing to have sit-in another day or simply talk with you one on one when you have the time.” Chan told Jisung. “My goal is to be able to share Jeongin’s progress and work on applications in home and outside of school.”

“Um, yes, that sounds perfect.” Jisung stumbled over his words. “I can’t stay today but I would love to meet with you and… plan some things out.”

“Awesome!” Chan gave him two thumbs up and Jisung felt a thrill of excitement in his chest. He seemed like a perfect fit for energetic Jeongin.

“Today I’ll get to know Jeongin and get to know the classroom dynamics as well.” Chan explained. “It would also be great if I could get your contact info as well.”

“Of course.” Jisung nodded. “Thank you, this is… just amazing.”

“No need to thank me!” Chan laughed. “It’s what I’m here for!”

Jisung could have cried at his words but he instead crouched down again to be at Jeongin’s level. The boy was becoming impatient, wanting to go play.

“Jeongin honey, there’s a new teacher I want you to meet.” Jisung took both his hands in his own. “He’s going to be your special teacher starting today.”

Jeongin frowned, confused at what he meant.

“May I?” Chan also crouched down next to them.

Jisung nodded and released Jeongin’s hands.

“Hey kiddo!” Chan took one of Jeongin’s hands and pulled gently so the boy was facing him. “It’s nice to meet you!”

He shook Jeongin’s hand once and Jeongin’s frown disappeared.

“I’m here to be your helper so we can have more fun and learn more things!” Chan swayed his arm back and forth making Jeongin smile. Jisung was fascinated at the exchange. Chan effortlessly connected with Jeongin and made him feel comfortable.

“Every morning when you come in, I’ll say hello to you, okay?” Chan watched his face closely even though Jeongin’s gaze was slightly offset. “You can remember my voice after I talk to you today.”

“Okay.” Jeongin nodded his head.

“Would you like to know what I look like too?” Chan asked, making Jisung tilt his head in surprise.

Jeongin looked surprised too, shifting his weight uncertainly.

“Here.” Chan guided him forward and lifted his hands until they could reach his face. He gently placed Jeongin’s fingertips under his eyes and then released him to feel on his own. Jisung watched, mesmerized, as Jeongin grew confident and ran his fingers over Chan’s nose, lips, eyebrows and even his ears and hair.

At home, Jeongin sometimes liked to touch Jisung’s face, squishing his cheeks with his hands and then squishing his own, making Jisung laugh. When Jisung read to him, Jeongin would reach up and fondle the bottom of his ear. It was comforting to him and the soft touch was soothing to Jisung.

For Chan to allow Jeongin to touch him like that surely brought the boy’s trust in him from zero to a hundred. Jisung noticed that Chan gave Jeongin his full attention, even keeping eye contact though Jeongin wouldn’t be able to tell.

“Your nose is bigger than my daddy’s.” Jeongin commented. “And your eyes are big.”

Chan made eye contact with Jisung then and they shared a smile. Anyone who met Jeongin couldn’t help but fall in love with him.

“Can we go play now?” Jeongin asked.

“Let’s go play!” Chan stood and Jisung was surprised yet again at how Jeongin easily held his hand up for Chan to take.

It was like Chan had the magic switch that flipped Jeongin from shy to confident in a heartbeat. Jisung’s heart felt ready to burst in happiness at their simple exchange with the idea that things would be so much better now that Chan was there to watch over him.

He watched Jeongin sit down on the carpet of the play circle, feeling around for the blocks strewn around. Chan pushed some blocks closer and Jisung could see Jeongin chatting away happily as he began to build something.

It was the best feeling in the world to know someone wanted to look out for his kid. Jisung left with his step feeling ten times lighter. Today he knew Jeongin would be okay.

Every day felt a little easier. Jeongin talked about Chan as if he was his best friend and guardian angel rolled into one. When Jeongin was dropped off, he would run to Chan’s voice, colliding with his legs and giggling happily.

Jisung was able to meet Chan Saturday since he didn’t have a day shift so he could look after Jeongin. Chan suggested they meet at the park so Jisung could let Jeongin play. He sat in the grass, feeling around for the flowers springing up from the ground. His hands were gentle enough to feel the petals and pick the stems without crushing it.

“I’d like to get to know a little bit about Jeongin’s prior schooling and what you’re currently plugged into resource wise first.” Chan started, folding his hands over the picnic table they sat at.

“Um…” Jisung looked away, feeling a bit ashamed at how few resources Jeongin had been able to have over the year.

He started with his first school and detailed his experiences from there, ending with his current education. Chan nodded along and asked a few questions but didn’t judge.

“It’s not my intention to pry, but you are his sole parent correct?” Chan asked. “I only ask because I would like to be aware of other programs, he’s a part of if he spends split time with you.”

“Ah yes, it’s just me…” Jisung squeezed his hands together in his lap.

“Awesome, well I created this for you to be able to get a better visual of his school schedule.” Chan pulled a folder out of his backpack and slid it over to Jisung. “As you can see, I simply modified the school calendar to look a little more ‘Jeongin’ friendly.”

As Jisung skimmed over the calendar, he could see the dates marked out where days would have activities that weren’t exactly easy for Jeongin to participate in. Sports days and art days were marked in yellow but a few had small notes scribbled down next to them.

“I’ve been working on coming up with supplemental activities to do those days with the help of the lead teacher.” Chan explained. “I also gathered some more details on the field trip days.”

The field trip days were also marked, this time in blue. The detail the calendar had was amazing to Jisung.

“I’m not sure how Jeongin does with unfamiliar situations and places, but if we prepare for the field trip days ahead of time then everything should run smoothly.” Chan smiled.

“I see…” Jisung chose not to address the field trip situation at the moment. “I have a question.”

“Shoot.” Chan nodded.

“Why… are you doing this?” Jisung asked, looking him directly in the eyes. “I mean, I don’t think you’re being paid to be this detailed.”

“I’m being paid to create the best outcome for Jeongin.” Chan’s mild expression didn’t fade. “The school expects me to do bare minimum, but that is far from what I’m used to.”

He unclasped his hands and used them to gesture through his further explanation.

“The school I transferred from was a school with only blind students. I was assigned certain students and acted as their advisors in a way for their parents as well. That’s why I’m familiar with the total integration approach.” Chan explained to Jisung. “Though it’s not a required part of my job, I find the additional engagement to be vitally important and a step we can’t cut out.”

“I understand where you’re coming from, but why my kid?” Jisung pressed further. “Why come to our school?”

“I needed a bit of a lighter load.” Chan shrugged. “They sent a few requests my way for teachers in regular schools and I picked the first one that I got.”

Jisung nodded. He felt amazed that, in a way, Chan had just dropped in by chance.

“To be entirely honest, many parents usually have a specific plan that they fit school into and it’s my job to aid in that.” Chan smiled sheepishly. “But I am fully capable of adjusting to any situation.”

“Thank you.” Jisung felt his ears heat up in embarrassment yet again for having such a subpar approach to Jeongin’s disability.

“Daddy?” Jeongin called, interrupting their conversation.

“I’m right here.” Jisung stood and walked over to Jeongin. He smiled seeing Jeongin patiently holding his hand up for him to take.

Jisung led them back to the picnic table and sat down again. Jeongin leaned against Jisung’s knees and deposited the flowers he had picked from his hand to Jisung’s lap.

“Did you pick these for me?” Jisung asked, affection obvious in his voice.

“Some are for Chan.” Jeongin informed him, carefully separating the pile into roughly half and half based on touch alone.

He held the flowers in one hand and reached out to feel for the side of the table. Jisung guided his hand to the edge so he could walk around. Chan covered the sharp corner with one hand as Jeongin made his way around to him.

“These are for me?” he gasped, giving a strong reaction for Jeongin.

“Yes.” Jeongin held them up to him.

“Thank you, sweetheart.” Chan accepted them carefully.

He pressed his fingertips under Jeongin’s chin and lifted his head so he was making eye contact with Chan. After a moment, he let go and Jeongin stayed with his head tilted in the right direction.

Chan took a flower out of his hand and tucked it into Jeongin’s pocket of his shirt. He patted it with his small hand and giggled, making his way back around to Jisung.

Jisung brought him over to the swings so he could play a bit more on his own. He knew how to swing and to wait for the swing to stop moving before he got off.

“What did you do there?” Jisung asked Chan when he sat down again. He touched his own chin to indicate what he meant.

“I just made sure he knew where my face was.” Chan replied. “It’s something we teach our students at the other school. It helps with orientation but also with social interactions, especially as they grow older and eye contact is something kids pay more attention to.”

“That’s good.” Jisung filed away that information.

“I encourage you to start teaching him when you’re at home or in public.” Chan reached in his backpack again. “It’s an easy skill to learn when they are younger so it becomes second nature later on.”

“You seem to know a lot more about my kid’s needs than I do.” Jisung rubbed the back of his neck and laughed sarcastically.

“Many parents tell me that.” Chan comforted Jisung. “It’s just what I was trained for! Many parents of blind kids have to learn a lot in the first few years. That’s why…”

He handed another sheet of paper to Jisung.

“I compiled a list of additional services in the area for both blind children and their parents. There are a lot of great resources like support groups, seminars, and additional care.”

“Thank you.” Jisung took the list with interest. He had gone to a few classes to learn how to read and teach braille, set up his house or apartment in a way that would be easy for Jeongin to get around, and about his condition in general.

“Jeongin is a confident kid.” Chan observed. “I see him greatly benefitting from a strong approach to him integrating with society from a young age.”

“You do?” Jisung glanced up in surprise.

“Of course I do!” Chan laughed lightly. “He’s on the right track!”

Jisung let his words sink in for a minute. He rarely heard such positivity, especially when it came to Jeongin being blind. Over the years, his friends and family had shaken their heads at his situation, condemning Jeongin to a lacking life in their mind. It had been hard to say the least.

Jisung could only thank Chan over and over again for what he was doing. It truly was as if he was an angel sent from heaven. And his genuine connection with Jeongin after one week was amazing to Jisung.

He fell asleep a little easier, thinking that Jeongin had another person to help him along. It made him feel like everything might be okay.

There were only a handful of people Jisung trusted. Even though Jeongin was the center of Jisung’s universe, he had turned his life completely upside down.

_“I don’t know what to do!” Jisung was truly desperate, showing up on Felix’s doorstep with only a backpack stuffed with things he had grabbed hastily and a carseat._

_“It’s okay. We’ll figure something out.” Felix assured him, patting his back a bit awkwardly. It was a strange situation they found themselves in._

_“I don’t even have food for him. What am I supposed to do?” Jisung buried his face in his hands._

_“I’ll call my mom.” Felix reached for his phone and called. Jisung couldn’t call his own mother. His parents were the first to push him away._

_It didn’t feel real in the first week. Felix and Jisung struggled through doing simple things like making formula for Jeongin, bathing him, and getting him to sleep. It was hard enough physically but Jisung was struggling emotionally as well._

_He knew his girlfriend was drifting away the day Jeongin was born. When they got the news he was blind, Jisung knew it was over. He managed to get her to hang on for the next seven months. It was amazing she lasted that long really. When it was over, Jisung knew it was really over._

_“Jisung…” Felix shook him awake from where he slept on the couch. He had been sleeping at Felix’s apartment for months now. Jisung truly felt awful for imposing on his friend, but it was all he had._

_“It’s time to eat.” Felix told him. Jisung groggily sat up, rubbing his eyes and shuffling his way to the kitchen._

_He pulled out Jeongin’s formula, still half asleep._

_“Jisung.” Felix stopped him. “You need to eat, not Jeongin.”_

_“Oh…” Jisung stared down at the formula container and then put it back in the pantry._

_“Are you sure you’re okay?” Felix asked worriedly. “I haven’t seen you eat in a while.”_

_“I’m sorry.” Jisung was used to apologizing. “I’ll do better.”_

_Felix shook his head and gently maneuvered him back towards the couch._

_“I’ll make you breakfast.” he said kindly._

_Jisung lay on the couch and stared up at the ceiling. How long would he be there?_

Jisung was drawn out of his intense focus on his laptop by Jeongin squealing happily. Judging by the deep voice coming from the living area, Felix had stopped by.

Sure enough, Felix poked his head in his bedroom a moment later.

“Oh no, I’ve stumbled upon a sleep-deprived author!” he gasped playfully. Jisung gave him a peace sign and turned back to his laptop.

“Any luck on the job search?” Felix sat on his bed.

“Nope.” Jisung tapped his fingers along his desk. “Kind of hard when all they see on your resume is college dropout.”

“You didn’t put that on there, did you?” Felix double-checked.

Jisung rolled his eyes, ready to give him a snarky comeback but Jeongin came in the room, his hand trailing along the wall.

“Daddy, I’m hungry.” Jeongin said. He tilted his head, probably trying to tell if Felix was in the room. Jisung winced, looking at the time. He had gotten carried away writing.

“Should I order pizza?” Felix pulled his phone out.

“Yes!” Jeongin ran towards Felix, half colliding with him. Felix pulled him into his lap and lay back on the bed to search for a place on his phone.

Jisung closed his laptop and turned to look at the two boys on his bed. He smiled as he rested his chin on his hand. Felix tickled his hand up and down Jeongin’s arm, avoiding his grabby hands as he focused on his phone. Jisung was really lucky to have a best friend like Felix.

“Can you get one with no cheese?” Jeongin lay his head on Felix’s chest and then wriggled around to lay on his back.

“I think they all have cheese bud.” Felix answered.

“Daddy can’t eat one with cheese.” Jeongin frowned and sat up. Felix looked at Jisung, confused.

“Yes I can.” Jisung tried to play it off, rolling his eyes a little. He just tried to avoid his triggers as much as possible.

“Daddy said it makes him sick.” Jeongin informed Felix.

“Has he been sick recently?” Felix made eye contact with Jisung as he asked.

“Felix-.” Jisung tried to stop him.

“Yes. He threw up driving me to school.” Jeongin wrinkled his nose. “And when he made me breakfast.”

Felix fixed Jisung with a sharp look.

“You promised you would tell me.” Felix accused him. “And you have to take care of yourself.”

“It’s really not that bad.” Jisung played it off. “It’s only because I’m tired.”

“Yeah, and stressed, and probably not eating well.” Felix shook his head in disapproval. “You promised you would pay better attention.”

“I will, I will!” Jisung gave him a pointed look, indicating he didn’t want to talk about it with Jeongin there.

Felix let it drop for the moment. On top of all the things Jisung had to deal with, he struggled with cyclic vomiting syndrome. Around once a month he would have episodes, usually brought on by stress or emotional triggers. Sometimes not sleeping or his eating habits.

It was manageable but unpleasant and it created some complications in searching for a job. At first, he had been careful, not wanting to have an episode at work. He later threw caution to the wind, hoping for anything.

Friday morning, Jisung really was struggling. He tried to power through the nausea while helping Jeongin get dressed but he had to dash out of the room to throw up halfway through.

“Are you going to make me breakfast?” Jeongin asked, appearing in the bathroom door.

“Give me a second baby.” Jisung pressed a shaky hand to his forehead as he knelt on the cold floor.

Jeongin came closer, reaching out for him. Jisung hummed when his hand touched his shoulder.

“Is it a big owie this time?” Jeongin asked sweetly, his face so worried.

“I’m okay.” Jisung looped his arm around his waist and bumped his forehead against Jeongin’s cheek, not wanting to kiss him after throwing up.

His episodes typically hit in the morning; sometimes so severe he couldn’t get Jeongin to school. Sometimes he could only lay in bed in incredible pain. Jeongin always hovered around him, trying to cheer him up.

As soon as Jisung felt the nausea fading, he rushed Jeongin to the car, praying he could make it school. He had only thrown up in the car a few times but it was terrible. He purposely turned the radio loud so Jeongin wouldn’t have to hear it, trying to hold a bag with one hand.

“I’m hungry.” Jeongin said quietly when they got to school.

“Shoot…” Jisung had forgotten to get him breakfast and hadn’t packed him a lunch. He ran his hand through his hair, considering just bringing Jeongin back home with him.

Jeongin tugging on his hand had him walking him to his class anyways, feeling terrible inside.

“There’s my buddy!” Chan greeted Jeongin when they came in. “How are you today?”

“I forgot my homework.” Jeongin told him, holding up his backpack shyly.

Jisung quickly unzipped it and rifled through it to find that, sure enough, he had left it on the kitchen table. He bit back a long breath and ran his hands through his hair again.

“That’s okay. It happens!” Chan said, but his eyes were on Jisung.

“I’m sorry. It’s my fault.” Jisung mumbled, feeling sick again.

“Like I said, it happens.” Chan smiled kindly but tilted his head in a silent question. “How are you this morning?”

“A little… out of it.” Jisung ran his hand over his face as he pulled out his wallet. His ears burned as he pulled out the few bills he had inside. “I forgot to pack his lunch.”

“And I didn’t eat breakfast.” Jeongin raised his hand.

Jisung flinched. He would have to talk to Jeongin about what he shared with people.

“He usually eats breakfast.” Jisung assured Chan. “Stuff just came up this morning.”

He extended the money to Chan.

“Would you mind buying something for him?” Jisung asked.

“Don’t worry about it.” Chan smiled and waved away the money. “I packed a big lunch today. He can share with me.”

Jisung felt terrible but he tucked the money back into his wallet and nodded.

“Thank you.” he said sincerely, bending to kiss Jeongin goodbye and waving to Chan shyly.

When he got back home, he knew he wouldn’t be able to function much that day. His fingers hovered over a familiar number but he had to forcibly stop himself from calling. Instead he called someone he dreaded calling.

“Hello?” his sister answered the call.

“Hey…” Jisung leaned his forehead against the cool porcelain of the bathtub. “I have a favor to ask.”

“Jisung- I can’t do anything.” she immediately shot him down.

“I just need someone to pick Jeongin up from school.” Jisung continued anyway. He hadn’t asked his sister for anything in months. They hadn’t talked in months.

“Ask one of your friends.” she answered.

“They can’t.” Jisung only thought to call Felix, but he was at work.

“Please?” he asked. “I’ll pay you for your gas money and-.”

“Fine.” she cut him off. “But this is the last time.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry.” Jisung ended the call abruptly, leaning forward to be sick.

He felt like he was at the mercy of other people even though he was trying his very best to manage his own life. How long could he survive this way?


	2. Chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note: this story is pretty darn sad so I advise you to read with caution! If you are looking for something happier then you can hop over to my other series titled Home. I wanted to let you all know that this kind of story is meant to really dive into deeper issues so if that bothers you then please be warned!  
> I remember reading a novel my freshman year of high school that really stuck with me to this day. It was a really sad story but it wasn’t sad for the sake of being sad. It wanted to make the happiness that much more touching in comparison. I really wanted to try that out in this story. Hopefully this story touches you the same way.  
> TW: There is no descriptive death in this story, but one of the main characters has passed away at this point and the flashbacks give you a full picture of the events that took place. Please be cautious!

_The bathroom was filled with giggles and squeals as Chan tried to wrangle his little boy into brushing his teeth. He held the soft toothbrush with toothpaste on it with one hand and used the other to grab at the squirmy five-year-old._

_“Gotcha!” he said, looping his arm gently around the boy’s waist. He swiftly seated him on the counter, holding him in place with his arm._

_“Open up.” he held the toothbrush in front of the boy’s face._

_He was met with more laughter as the boy shook his head back and forth._

_“Come on Minnie!” Chan rolled his eyes and waited for him to tire himself out with his antics. “If you don’t brush your teeth then we won’t have time for a story.”_

_That made him grow still and open his mouth for Chan to poke the toothbrush in._

_“What am I going to do with you Seungmin?” Chan teased as he carefully brushed his teeth. He was just too darn cute. He could get away with anything._

_Once they were done, Seungmin ran off to pick out a book. His energy was endless even though it was bedtime. Chan was exhausted though. Seungmin was most squirmy during bedtime, which was Chan’s job._

_Luckily, Seungmin had climbed straight into bed after picking a book and was arranging his stuffed animals around him._

_“The puppy book again I see.” Chan sat down next to him and pulled his favorite book into his lap._

_“You’re squishing my puppy!” Seungmin protested, tugging at Chan’s sleeve._

_He reached under his back and pulled out the caramel colored puppy._

_Seungmin snuggled his plushie against his body and hit Chan in the chest with his small fist for squishing his puppy._

_“Hey.” Chan warned, earning a giggle from Seungmin._

_Seungmin snuggled against his side, his head resting on his chest as Chan opened the book to read. It was his favorite. Anything to do with dogs, Seungmin couldn’t get enough of._

_It was a bit of an advanced read but it just helped lull Seungmin to sleep faster. Chan closed it after the first chapter and reached over to set it on the dresser._

_“Goodnight daddy.” Seungmin mumbled, rubbing his eyes tiredly._

_Chan gently adjusted him so his head was on his pillow and his blanket was tucked snugly under his chin. He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to his forehead._

_“Goodnight my puppy.” he whispered._

When Chan arrived back home it was late and the house was dark. He sighed tiredly and dropped his backpack on the chair by the table. He poured himself a glass of water from the filter and stood in the dark for a minute.

The familiar darkness was settling in his bones again and it was nearly impossible to shake once it had taken root. He shook his head and tried to push it aside. The morning would bring new light and the house wouldn’t feel dark and quiet.

He checked his phone as he sunk into bed that night. No messages to check.

As he fell asleep, he replayed his day with Jeongin. His sweet smile and bubbly laugh. But most of all, he remembered Jisung’s face looking at Jeongin. An expression of such love and dedication that it made Chan turn away, something painful in it.

The next two weeks held a roller coaster of learning for Jeongin. Chan noted that he was behind in a lot of ways for a blind child but that didn’t stop him one bit. He eagerly joined in with the other children, even if many of their interactions were lost to him.

“He’s made such improvement.” The lead teacher commented to him as they stood watching the kids have lunch.

“He’s a smart kid.” Chan smiled proudly.

“I’m so glad they sent you over to us.” she continued. “It’s been really nice having you help out in the classroom in general.”

“I’m glad to be here.” Chan nodded. “You have a great setup.”

“I haven’t had much time to get to know you yet.” her tone changed slightly. “What do you think about getting dinner after the parent teacher meeting on Friday?”

“Oh…” Chan hadn’t expected the conversation to turn that way. “I’m sorry. It’s very kind of you but… I’m not pursuing a relationship at the moment.”

It felt awkward to say but Chan preferred to be direct instead of having to dance around her for the rest of the school year.

“No apologies needed.” she accepted graciously. “I understand.”

They fell into silence again. It was a bit awkward but Chan was sure they could brush it off quickly.

He was distracted when Jisung came to pick Jeongin up. He silently collected Jeongin’s worksheet for the day and his lunchbox, handing both to Jisung.

“How did it go today?” Jisung asked, after Chan didn’t offer a report first.

“It went well.” Chan nodded. “He read in front of the class today.”

“That’s good.” Jisung smiled at the news. “He’s been getting faster at braille, I noticed.”

Jeongin came over a little too fast, bumping into the side of the cubbies as he followed Jisung’s voice. He bounced off but got up immediately.

“Woah bud! Careful.” Chan laughed, fondling his hair as he stood up. He put his hand on his back and guided him to Jisung.

“Hi there, honey!” Jisung crouched in front of him. “Did you miss me?”

Jeongin nodded and hugged him close. It stirred something in Chan’s chest that he tried to push down.

“Say goodbye to Chan.” Jisung encouraged, standing and taking Jeongin’s hand.

“Bye bye, Chan!” Jeongin waved at him and even blew a kiss.

Chan gave him one back though he couldn’t see it. It must be something new that Jisung had taught him. It was adorable.

“See you later.” Jisung waved at Chan and led Jeongin to get his backpack.

Chan watched them go, his smile fading a little. His phone buzzed in his pocket as they disappeared from sight.

“Is it okay if I head out a little early?” he asked the lead teacher. “Something came up.”

“Yeah go ahead!” she accepted. “Have a good day.”

Chan felt anxiety clawing him apart as he drove home. It was always the worst mix of nervousness and anticipation all jumbled together. His heart swelled seeing the familiar car in the driveway but then squeezed painfully thinking of the impending interaction.

He let himself in, resisting the urge to call out that he was home. He traveled slowly through the house, feeling tense when he reached his bedroom. He leaned against the doorway, crossing his arms over his chest protectively.

“Hey.” he spoke into the room.

“I just let myself in.” came the response. “I sent a message but you didn’t respond.”

“It’s your house too.” Chan reminded her. “You’re free to come in whenever.”

She continued looking through the drawers by the bed, not making eye contact with him.

“What are you looking for?” he asked.

“My pearl necklace my mom gave me.” she straightened up and put her hands on her hips. “I have to wear it for an event and I was sure I took it with me but now…I can’t find it.”

“Check in the bathroom.” Chan suggested.

The sound of her going through the cupboards threw him back to when she had cleared out her things. It was hasty and painful.

“Sunhee.” he called.

“I’m going out tonight.” she emerged with a determined expression on her face. “My mother said it’s time.”

Chan knew her too well. He could tell when she was being guarded. When she was gauging his reaction even if she looked like she didn’t care.

“Is it time?” Chan asked quietly.

“Maybe for me, yes.” she replied, brushing her hair back. “It’s been over a year.”

“A year isn’t a long time.” Chan said and immediately wished he had bit back the words. Her face grew hard and cold again.

“If you’re going to be angry about it then spare me your emotion.” she snapped back. “You have to move on Chan.”

“I’m not angry.” Chan replied quietly. “I just… want to talk.”

“We have talked.” she disappeared into the bathroom again. “Talking doesn’t do anything. It just brings us back into running in circles.”

Chan moved into the room, feeling like he was fighting a losing battle already.

“At least let me talk.” he continued. “There are things I want to say.”

“Please don’t do this right now.” Sunhee sighed. “I need to have space for a little while. I’m processing this same as you.”

Chan ran his hand through his hair.

“I can’t process anything alone in this house.” he replied. “You’re the one who got to get away and separate yourself.”

“Don’t start on that again!” she reappeared with her necklace in hand. “You have every opportunity t-to get yourself help, or whatever you need!”

She clasped the necklace around her neck and moved to leave the room, also leaving Chan behind yet again.

“Sunhee-.” he caught her arm as she passed him. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to go there again. I just…”

She softened at his touch, her expression going gentle.

“It’s hard on both of us I know but… it’s so hard for me.” his words came out in a whisper. “I don’t know how to do this on my own.”

“I don’t either.” she breathed back, her eyes wide and vulnerable.

“Then why are we like this?” Chan begged to know.

“Because I see his face when I look at you.” she said softly. “Everything is too much of a reminder. This house, our routine, your laugh…”

“But I need you.” Chan swallowed painfully at her words. “I don’t have anyone else.”

“You do.” Sunhee stepped away. “You have to learn to live again like I did. You have to get yourself back. It’s for the best.”

She left him standing in the bedroom, his heart broken into a million pieces again.

_“My teacher said you are supposed to give hearts on Valentine’s day.” Seungmin told Chan as he lay on the floor with crayons spread around him. “That’s why I’m drawing a heart for mommy.”_

_“Mm, looks good.” Chan nodded from where he was cutting out small hearts for Seungmin to paste on._

_“What are you doing for mommy today?” Seungmin reached for the hearts from him._

_“I have flowers.” Chan replied._

_“Flowers?” Seungmin scrunched up his nose. “Why flowers?”_

_“Mommy likes flowers.” Chan laughed at his reaction. “And they smell nice.”_

_“For my birthday I don’t want flowers.” Seungmin poked his tongue out between his teeth as he focused on gluing the paper down. “I want a real puppy.”_

_Chan didn’t respond. A puppy was a big responsibility but Seungmin was dying to have one. He begged for one almost every day._

_“Can you help me?” Seungmin handed his card to Chan. “I want you to write what I tell you.”_

_“Why don’t you write it?” Chan lay down next to him on his stomach._

_“I don’t know how to spell all the hard words!” he pouted in return._

_“Okay, I’ll spell it out and you write it. How about that?” Chan compromised._

_Seungmin nodded and picked a blue crayon to write his message._

Blue was the color of his bedroom walls which Chan hadn’t set foot in for months. He had shut the door and been unable to visit the space.

Chan did the only thing he could think to do. He got in the car and drove to a place he also hadn’t been to in months.

He pulled up in front of the yellow and white house with white roses in front of it. It was perfect and lovely, unbroken by tragedy or separation. Chan had missed it even though it felt hard to stand in front of its picture-perfect existence.

He knocked on the door with a deep breath. Seconds ticked by and Chan raised his hand to knock again when the door swung open. He froze and the man in front of him froze as well.

“Hi.” Chan said softly.

A second later he was enveloped in a tight hug, strong arms squeezing tightly around him. Yet another sensation he hadn’t felt in months.

“Gosh, I missed you so much.” the man hugging him breathed against him.

“Me too Hyunjin.” Chan returned the embrace.

Hyunjin pulled back and drew him into the house. It was the same as Chan remembered. It was bright and smelled fresh and clean.

“What brings you over?” Hyunjin asked. Chan could tell he was testing him out carefully from his tone of voice.

“Guess it’s time.” Chan shrugged with a twisted smile.

It may have come off callous or insensitive but Hyunjin didn’t comment on it.

“Are you doing okay?” he asked, sitting down at the bar. Chan followed suit.

“I’m working again.” Chan avoided his question. “Finally getting back into the flow of things.”

“That’s really good.” Hyunjin nodded. “How’s it going?”

“Hard sometimes but mostly good.” Chan replied. “I transferred to a new school.”

“I’m glad to hear it.” Hyunjin ran his fingers over the surface of the bar. “How is Sunhee?”

“Doing a lot better than I am.” Chan suddenly felt tired. He pressed his chin to his hand. “She’s… going out tonight. I can only assume her mom or sister want her to meet someone.”

“Oh…” Hyunjin winced. “Did you talk about it?”

“She won’t talk to me.” Chan dropped his gaze. “I only see her if she comes to the house to get something.”

“Do you text her, or call her?” Hyunjin asked.

“What am I supposed to say?” Chan groaned. “Every time I try to address something, she just says we can’t change what’s in the past.”

“That’s… hard.” Hyunjin sympathized.

“Sorry I have nothing very positive to say.” Chan said with a sigh. “I’m really sorry it’s been so long Hyunjin. I just haven’t been as strong as I thought I would be I guess.”

“Don’t apologize. You don’t have to be strong.” Hyunjin touched his arm. “I’m sorry I didn’t reach out more.”

“It’s fine. I wasn’t in the space to receive anyways.” Chan smiled shyly at him. “Thanks for letting me come over even after everything.”

“Of course. You’re my best friend.” Hyunjin looked sad.

Chan had pushed Hyunjin away, like just about everyone else in the past year. Hyunjin’s life was the life he had at one point before it came crashing down. It wasn’t fair that Hyunjin was punished for being nothing but supportive, but grief did odd things to the mind.

_“Chan, the doctor is ready to see you now.” Hyunjin touched his shoulder._

_He had his head resting on his arm on Seungmin’s hospital bed, his hand holding Seungmin’s in his sleep._

_“I’ll watch him.” Hyunjin pulled a chair up so Chan felt comfortable leaving._

_He met Sunhee just outside the room. She was biting her nails as she did when she was really stressed. Chan put his arm around her. She didn’t return the gesture but it was because every muscle in her body was pulled tight in anxiousness._

_“We’ve decided that the best approach to combatting the cancer is a stem cell transplant.” The doctor told them as they sat in front of him. “With his stage of acute leukemia we need to be aggressive in how we treat it.”_

_“What is a stem cell transplant?” Sunhee frowned._

_“It’s a procedure where we kill all of the diseased bone marrow in Seungmin’s body because it is preventing him from being able to recovery. Then we transplant healthy stem cells from a donor to replace those diseased cells.” The doctor handed them a pamphlet with more details._

_“H-how do we find a donor?” Sunhee asked._

_“First we will run a few tests on Seungmin and then start looking for a donor that matches him. The most likely matches are family members.” The doctor explained._

_“We can be tested?” Sunhee was already flipping through the pamphlet he had handed her. She was always ready to look at the next step. Start the process._

_“You can be tested immediately. We will also run the test on Seungmin and once we find a donor, start the conditioning to prepare him.” The doctor answered her._

_Chan stared down at the paper the doctor had handed him. He was glad Sunhee was there. Every talk of operations and chemotherapy and new medicines made him feel lost. She sorted through all the information and put it into action to ensure the best result for Seungmin._

_They were both tested and within an hour Sunhee was back at Seungmin’s bedside, reading him a book. Chan watched them from the side, amazed at how well she was handling everything._

_He knew it was hard for her. She had cried countless times in the car when they drove to get food or stop by home. She had broken down in the hallway in Chan’s arms when they got the diagnosis. But when she was around the doctors or Seungmin, she was perfectly in control of her emotions. Putting on a bright face for them._

_“Chan?” The doctor pulled him aside and into the hall._

_“I’m really pleased to tell you that you’re a match.” he handed Chan the test results. “You fit all the requirements to be Seungmin’s stem cell donor.”_

_It took a few minutes to sink in and realize that he would quite literally be giving part of his own life to help Seungmin keep his. He wandered down the hallway until he found himself in the front entrance of the ward._

_“Hey!” Hyunjin walked out of the elevator with a carrier of pastries in his hand. “I brought breakfast. How did the tests go?”_

_Chan hated how emotional he was. Hated the way his eyes filled with tears and he crumpled the papers in his fist at his side. It was all just overwhelming. No one prepared you as a parent for something like this. Chan was way out of his comfort zone._

_Hyunjin set the pastries aside and pulled him into a hug, worry evident in his eyes. He had asked to be tested as well but Sunhee and Chan had decided to be tested first before they had anyone else volunteer._

_“I-I’m a match.” Chan hiccupped against him._

_“That’s amazing!” Hyunjin pulled back and looked at him. “If it was going to be anyone it would be you, the way Seungmin is your little double.”_

_“I don’t know why I’m crying.” Chan laughed through his tears. “I just feel so overwhelmed!”_

_“It’s natural! And it’s okay.” Hyunjin squeezed his arm like he did to reassure him. “There’s nothing wrong with feeling emotional over this.”_

_“I should go tell Sunhee.” Chan took a deep breath and wiped his tears away. “Come say hi to Seungmin too. He was just talking about how much he misses you.”_

_Hyunjin put his arm around Chan’s shoulders as they headed back to the room. At least Chan wasn’t entirely alone._

Chan didn’t expect the knock that came at a little past eleven that night. It was late to have a visitor. He went to the door anyways and unlocked it. When it swung open, he was even more surprised.

“Sunhee?” he asked.

“I just wanted to come home.” she mumbled, her hair falling into her face and her purse dangling from her hand.

Chan stepped aside so she could come inside. She must have either forgotten her key or not wanted to bother with it. He locked the door again after he closed it and turned.

Soft lips pressed up against his as he turned and slender fingers pressed against his chest. He was frozen for a moment until he felt her cheeks were wet. He pulled away and realized she was crying.

“What’s wrong?” he cupped her face carefully, wiping her tears away. Now he could tell she was probably a little tipsy.

“I missed you.” she whispered, dropping down from her tiptoes and letting her hair fall to the sides of her face again.

Her words felt like a punch to him and his breath caught.

“I should never have gone out.” she sniffled. “I should never have thought…”

“I-it’s okay.” Chan didn’t know if he was consoling her or himself. He helped her shrug out of her jacket and pull off her shoes.

It was silent as he set her things aside and gestured her upstairs. She stumbled over her feet so Chan held her arm to steady her.

“I wanna sleep with my baby.” she murmured, her hand brushing along Seungmin’s bedroom door as she went down the hall.

“Not tonight.” he led her away. Her unfiltered words and desires were the most painful memory.

He helped her into their bed, his heart incredibly heavy. Sunhee was always the strong one. The one who kept everything going. It was unsettling to have her breaking down. Chan collected his things to sleep on the couch.

“Where are you going?” Sunhee sat up and pushed her hair back clumsily.

“I don’t know.” Chan breathed back.

“Please don’t leave me too.” her bottom lip trembled again. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.” Chan shook his head quickly.

He lay on his side in their bed, watching her in the dark. She rolled closer and pressed her face against his chest. It felt wrong to Chan. They hadn’t so much as hugged in months. She was drunk and didn’t know what she was doing.

“I missed you.” she sighed again but it still felt like a lie.

Chan woke up and for a moment he was disoriented. His arm was around Sunhee and her scent filled his nose like a rosy memory. But it was reality. He remembered her coming home the night before, upset and not fully coherent.

Carefully he lifted his arm and slipped out of bed. He had an hour before he had to leave for work so he started the shower and grabbed his work clothes.

When he left the bathroom, the bed was empty. He had expected it. Sunhee probably wouldn’t want to talk about the night before. It still made him feel disappointed for a moment. His life had changed so much from waking up with her and Seungmin to waking up alone.

It felt harder than usual that morning to head downstairs and get breakfast. He was taken by surprise to find Sunhee sitting at the table with toast and a banana. There was a plate with toast and honey across from her. Chan stood for a moment before sitting down.

“You remembered my favorite.” he commented.

“Of course I remembered.” she glanced away.

Chan nodded and ate quietly.

“I’m really sorry about last night.” she started to apologize. “I shouldn’t have even thought about accepting a drink and then… it kind of spiraled from there.”

“You shouldn’t drive if you had been drinking.” Chan replied, focusing his eyes on his plate.

“I didn’t really have anyone to drive me back.” she laughed bitterly. “My night was just…”

“You should have called me.” Chan said.

There was an awkward silence for a long moment. Chan couldn’t pretend he wasn’t hurt, but the last thing he wanted to do was make Sunhee think he wanted her to feel guilty.

“We _are_ still married Sunhee.” he said quietly. “I-if you want to be with someone else then why haven’t you even asked me.”

She didn’t say anything. His words striking at her insecurity.

“I haven’t held you back but it also doesn’t feel right. Because…” Chan took a deep breath and looked at her. “I’m here waiting for you to come back but when you do, you don’t love me anymore. What am I to you? What kind of husband do you want me to be?”

Sunhee swallowed, his questions were emotionally heavy and carried months of inner turmoil. Turmoil that she herself had faced.

“I just don’t know what I’m looking for.” she responded. “You’re right. I’m a mess, going around like a disloyal woman. I’m ashamed of it. I really am…”

Chan knew she was being honest. He could sense the vulnerability and shame that she carried, even if it was self-inflicted.

“Ever since we lost Seungmin I’ve just been looking for something.” she dropped her head. “It’s not fair to you that I put you through all this while I try to find it.”

“What you’re looking for isn’t me.” Chan said. The words barely even felt real or emotional. Just heavy and tired. “Just admit to yourself and to me that we’re done. Maybe then I can start moving on like you want me to.”

“I can’t.” When Chan looked at her again her eyes were glossy with tears. “I think of you all day nonstop and the only reason I’m not here with you is because I have to keep moving a-and I can’t do that when I’m thinking of him all day too.”

Chan could understand what she said. She had always been the type of person who needed to be constantly productive and moving forward. When her main source of motivation was gone, she had suffered.

“He was my baby too.” she brushed her tears away. “Even if I seem like I don’t care, I loved him more than anything. I just can’t be sad all the time anymore. I need to find the happiness in my life again. Can you understand that?”

“Yeah, I do.” Chan replied softly. “I want the same thing. I just don’t know how to pull myself out of the sadness. I’ve always been bad at compartmentalizing.”

“You’ve always had a heart ten times bigger and softer than anyone else.” Sunhee smiled tearfully at him. “That’s why…”

She could have said that’s why he was hurting most, or unable to move on, or just that’s why she loved him, but her words trailed away.

Instead she reached across the table to brush her hand over the side of his face.

“I’m sorry for making it worse for you.” she whispered.

“It’s not you.” Chan leaned into her touch for a moment. “It’s just how our hearts work.”

“Maybe… they could work together. Or try to.” Sunhee said tentatively. “Even though I broke us, we can try. If you’re willing.”

“I’m always willing.” Chan replied, though a part of him deep down inside didn’t trust what she said. It felt too hard, the mountain too insurmountable to be able to span together. But the least they could do was try.

The next week, Sunhee slept over every other night. At first it felt foreign and odd to lay next to each other in bed but feel so far apart. She reached for him one time and he held her close but he wasn’t sure if she actually wanted the comfort or just to break the awkwardness. He always gave because he always needed. But he never asked.

She began to change the house from the inside out. She even went so far as to paint the walls and change some of the furniture. Chan helped her when he wasn’t at work. There was something therapeutic and healing in erasing the pain in the past one paint stroke at a time. It made the house easier to live in. Especially for Sunhee.

And it was something they could do together. Life almost felt normal returning to their daily interactions. They ate together and spent time together, but nothing more than that. Sunhee was guiding the relationship as usual, helping it move along.

Chan let her, knowing he had already accepted her back the moment she had walked back in the door. She just had to get used to having him love her again. Or maybe she was trying to love him at all.

He spent more time engaging with his life again. He threw himself wholeheartedly into his work and when Jisung asked him if he would be interested in babysitting Jeongin occasionally, he accepted.

He had a little more of an understanding of the life Jisung lived and it woke something like compassion in him. He grew more and more attached to Jeongin and began to spend more time with him. Sunhee was the person he probably spent the least about of time with. It wasn’t because he hated her presence, he just didn’t know what to do.

Either way, he waited for her to initiate. Occasionally she would shift close to him in bed or hug him when he came home from work, but not much affection was given. It was a process. A very slow process but one they were both feeling it out slowly.

One of the only conflicts between them was Jeongin. When Chan had brought him home one evening after school since he was babysitting him, she had been bothered by it.

Chan was obviously very attached to Jeongin. He genuinely loved Jeongin and was glad he had such an important role in his life. Jisung was struggling and it worried Chan, but it meant he had more time to spend with Jeongin.

Sunhee had finally voiced her concern and eventually snapped and accused him of replacing Seungmin with Jeongin. Chan had only been able to stand there and listen to her talk until she cried. He slept on the couch that night, unable to sleep.

He hadn’t viewed his relationship with Jeongin in that way, but he couldn’t deny that he enjoyed being with Jeongin because he felt he was able to interact with him in the ways he and Seungmin had. He wasn’t Jeongin’s father but he got to be like a father to him in small ways.

It made his stomach turn thinking about it but it was true. He needed to care for a child. It was just in his nature. But was he replacing Seungmin?

He couldn’t sleep all night thinking about it. When Sunhee woke up he was already out of the house.

Things felt a little different when he babysat Jeongin on the weekend. Jisung was at an interview and his regular babysitter, a friend of his, was out of town.

It was always small things that reminded him of Seungmin most. Jeongin had a puppy dog plushie that was similar to the one locked up in the room Chan couldn’t enter. He tried not to think about it as Jeongin and him worked on homework.

“Close, but read it again.” Chan gently guided Jeongin’s hand over the raised markings on the page. Jeongin bit his lip thoughtfully as he read using his fingers.

At the school Chan had previously worked at, many of the children already excelled in reading Braille and then began to work on mastery. Jeongin was a little less proficient since his lessons ceased to take place in the past few months.

Jeongin was an exceptionally bright child. Chan could sometimes see the way he couldn’t guess the braille translation so he tried to make one up to match the context. Even though it was actually hard to do, Chan had to work with him not to skim over things and really master it.

As any small child is, Jeongin got bored and started to squirm around. Chan persisted a bit longer and then called a break. Jeongin hopped off of his chair and paused, orienting himself before walking forward. When his hand found the counter, he traced to the pantry.

Chan watched him check the items by touch and then find the gummy snacks he was looking for. Chan helped him open the package and then gentle turned Jeongin twice. Jeongin hesitated, and then walked forward with his hand outstretched until he found the table. Using it as a reference point he easily climbed back into his chair.

Chan smiled fondly at the little boy.

When he got home that night, Sunhee was waiting for him, an apology already on her lips. As always, Chan accepted it quietly and lay on his side of the bed, his back turned to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would really love to hear your thoughts! This chapter feels a bit static since it’s a lot of flashbacks and internal processing but I promise it’s important! I will introduce the main plot in the next chapter but for now it’s just buildup and getting to know the characters! Have a lovely day everyone!


	3. Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome back! I am guessing some of you may be bothered by this chapter and Jisung’s decision. Try to think through things from the eyes of a parent! I will be going through the process in detail! In my series Home I write about foster and adoptive parents receiving children and in this one I talk about giving up a child. I hope it’s not too sad!! Hopefully you will all stay until the end! <3

Jisung landed a job for around two weeks before the company decided to close the location he worked at. It was a stunning blow to Jisung, especially after he had been desperately looking forward to consistent paychecks. Even writing was only bringing in a trickle of income.

He was back to square one. A week went by of searching for a job and Jisung was getting desperate. Everything could fall apart so easily and he had no one to fall back upon. His parents had cut ties with him and he barely had time to connect with friends between work and caring for Jeongin. Felix always did his best to offer a helping hand, but he was finishing college and working. Not to mention, Jisung had promised himself that he would never have Felix take care of him the way he had in the beginning.

“Something bothering you?” Chan asked him one Saturday evening.

Jisung did have one person there for him. Chan had accepted being Jeongin’s babysitter when Jisung was at work, or now looking for work. He of course got along with Jeongin amazingly well at home too. And he didn’t mind Jisung paying him bare minimum. Jisung sometimes didn’t understand why Chan did things so willingly, but at other times he seemed like he was hiding loneliness just under the surface.

“I’m just not sure where else I can look for work.” Jisung sighed, running his hands through his hair as he looked at his laptop.

“Why don’t you take a break and come join us.” Chan invited him to join Jeongin and him on the couch.

They were watching a movie. Jisung hadn’t thought Jeongin would like movies, or be engaged, but Chan had encouraged it. The auditory sensory input was good for Jeongin and he actually was intrigued by the movie Chan put on.

Even though they were constantly working for the best life for Jeongin, Jisung was constantly reminded that Jeongin’s quality of life wasn’t diminished in his perception of the world. The things he did and enjoyed may be different but there was nothing wrong with that. Jisung only wanted him to live a safe and happy life.

“Hi baby.” Jisung pulled Jeongin onto his lap so he could rest his chin on the boy’s soft hair. Jeongin leaned back against him and brought his hand up to touch Jisung’s ear.

Jisung noticed Chan watching them with a gentle look on his face in his periphery. He actually didn’t know much about Chan, though he considered him one of the few people he was closest to. He was one of the only people who got to see their life first hand and be a part of it. Jisung didn’t push the boundaries, but Chan seemed as if he had a little space in their family now.

Jisung was drifting off on the couch but was woken up by Chan taking Jeongin from his arms. They had a very well established bed time routine set up now. It helped Jeongin know when it was evening and time to sleep.

“I can take him.” Jisung mumbled, rubbing his eyes. Chan had only stayed later because of the movie anyways.

“It’s fine.” Chan smiled at him. That warm smile that he never failed to use.

Jeongin let him hold his hand and take him to wash up for bed.

Jisung joined them as Jeongin was climbing into bed. Chan picked up his stuffed animal and placed it in his arms. Jisung stood in the doorway and watched as Chan put Jeongin’s discarded clothes in his laundry basket and pulled his blankets up.

“Daddy?” Jeongin asked, giving Jisung the cue to sit on the side of his bed.

Chan left the room to give them privacy.

“Goodnight honey.” Jisung tapped his nose and brushed his hair back softly. “Did you have fun today?”

Jeongin nodded, his hand curling around Jisung’s thumb like when he was a baby.

“We’ll have more fun tomorrow.” He kissed Jeongin’s nose and then his forehead, breathing in his sweet, clean scent.

Tonight it made him sad to see Jeongin in his second hand bed with a lumpy mattress and only one plushie to hold. His room felt too bare and the room too small. Jisung apologized in his heart and pressed close to Jeongin once more before switching off the light and leaving the room.

Chan was cleaning up the popcorn Jeongin had dropped in the living room when Jisung came out. Jisung felt oddly comforted having someone else in the house tonight. He didn’t want Chan to leave just yet.

“Want to split a chicken order?” he asked, tossing a pillow back onto the couch.

“It’s kind of late.” Chan stood up with popcorn in his hand.

“I know, but I’m hungry.” Jisung grabbed his phone. “Plus, I’m really craving fried chicken right now.”

“Okay, if you want, I can’t say no.” Chan grinned at him.

Jisung sat down at the small table he had and placed the order. Chan joined him after a moment.

“You strike me as a kid type of guy.” Jisung pointed out.

“What gave it away?” Chan chuckled sarcastically.

“What made you decide to start working with kids?” Jisung asked, leaning his head in his hand.

“Honestly, I just chose being a teacher coming into college because I guessed I liked kids enough. And then after a blind student came and spoke at a seminar, I decided I wanted to be a teacher who helps the blind or visually impaired.” Chan explained. “It’s a really great job.”

“You’re very good at it.” Jisung complimented him. “Jeongin has become so much more confident.”

“I’m glad.” Chan nodded slowly. “He should never feel like anything is impossible just because he can’t see.”

“Thank you for believing in him.” Jisung looked down shyly. “Not many people do.”

Chan took his words of thanks graciously and didn’t make a big deal over the emotion just under the surface.

“What about you?” Jisung asked. “Do you have a family?”

He didn’t expect Chan to tense up and look anywhere but at him. It seemed like a simple question.

“I’m married.” Chan replied tightly. “But… we’re working things through at the moment. I guess you could say we’re separated.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Jisung wanted to smack himself in the forehead for prying into a sensitive matter immediately.

“It’s no problem.” Chan waved it away. “I’m assuming Jeongin’s mother also separated?”

“Ah… we were never together really.” Jisung felt his face burn at the mention of the past he preferred to not bring to light. “We were going to be but… Jeongin’s diagnosis changed everything.”

“I’m sorry.” Chan exchanged his sympathy as well. “I’m sure that was very difficult in the beginning.”

“It was.” Jisung affirmed. “My parents weren’t exactly supportive either.”

“I can understand that.” Chan smiled wryly.

“Everyone just kept telling me the same thing.” Jisung yawned. He wondered if he was oversharing because he was tired. “But I refused to listen because… I’m just stubborn.”

He giggled and tapped his fingers along the table in a steady beat. Chan’s face stayed serious.

“What did they tell you?” his voice was quiet and serious. It made Jisung draw back into his thoughtful mindset again.

“That I should give him up.” Jisung shrugged one shoulder. “That I should give him to a family who could take better care of him.”

He traced a pattern in the table a bit awkwardly.

“Everyone sees him as a mistake. My mistake.” he admitted. “I guess I thought we could really make it but… she was already gone far before Jeongin was even born.”

Jisung let silence stretch on for a few moments before he told Chan the real reason he had kept Jeongin anyways.

“But he’s my son. He’s my baby.” Jisung stared down at the table. “I love him. I know I’m selfish, but I don’t want to give him up.”

“You shouldn’t have to.” Chan shook his head firmly. “The measure of a father isn’t his financial position or marital status. It’s how much he loves his child, and if he would give his life for them.”

Jisung felt like the words had come from some place otherworldly. They held such significant meaning.

“You gave up your future to ensure Jeongin had one with you.” Chan continued. “That’s a beautiful, precious thing.”

“He is my future.” Jisung replied quietly.

“Exactly.”

They shared a moment of quiet, letting their conversation settle over them. The moment was interrupted by the door ringing to signify their delivery had arrived.

The rest of the time they spent talking about lighter things, getting to know each other a little better and enjoying companionship that both of them had been missing. They were vastly different but they had been brought together by a little boy who didn’t see the world like others did.

There were more hard days ahead and Jisung desperately needed a friend. Time stretched on of him having no work and his savings for the month shrinking bit by bit.

“Can you please let me put on a different shirt.” Jisung begged Jeongin as the boy crossed his arms defiantly.

“I wanna wear this one!” he huffed.

“But the shirt doesn’t match.” Jisung tried to explain. “You can put it back on when we get home but not for school.”

Jeongin had picked out his own clothes but the shirt’s pattern clashed harshly with his pants and shoes. Jisung had tried to change the pants but that was a harder battle.

“I don’t want to!” Jeongin stomped his foot.

Jisung looked at his watch and rolled his eyes. He really didn’t have time to argue with Jeongin anymore or they would be late. He had an interview for a potential job that morning.

“Fine, you win!” he said exasperatedly and threw his hands in the air. “Now get in the kitchen for breakfast.”

He shoved Jeongin’s clothes back in the drawers as the frustrated boy trailed down the hallway, feeling along the wall into the kitchen.

“What cereal do you want.” Jisung rummaged through the cupboards as Jeongin stood next to him, still scowling.

“Cheerios.” Jeongin muttered.

“You’ll have to eat them dry because we’re out of milk.” Jisung shook the box to see how much was left.

“I want milk with my cereal!” Jeongin complained loudly.

“I have to go to the store today!” Jisung replied, setting the cereal on the table. “You can go without it for one day.”

“But I want milk!” Jeongin crossed his arms and refused to sit down.

“I really don’t have time for this!” Jisung grabbed his lunchbox and threw in what he could find, grimacing at the sad collection of a granola bar, banana and a crumbled rice cake he added.

“I’m not hungry.” Jeongin decided, staring at the floor.

Out of habit, Jisung tilted Jeongin’s head up to look at Jisung as he tried to tuck the lunchbox into Jeongin’s hand.

Jeongin shoved his hand away from his chin and promptly burst into tears. He started wailing loudly like he did when he was frustrated and wanted Jisung to know it.

“Jeongin-.” Jisung clenched his hands into fists and took a deep breath, trying to keep a cool head even though he was at the end of his patience.

“I promise I’ll get more milk.” Jisung sighed, grabbing Jeongin’s backpack and zipping it up with his lunchbox inside.

Jeongin’s cries turned into softer whines as Jisung picked him up and balanced him with one arm as he carried the rest of his stuff with the other. Jeongin buried his face against Jisung’s neck even though he was angry at him.

“I’m sorry bud.” Jisung sighed. “We just have to get to school on time so I’m not late for my interview.”

Jeongin sniffled as he buckled him into his car seat. Jisung always felt bad when Jeongin had a meltdown but today he didn’t have time to fully address it. At least Jeongin had stopped crying by the time they got to school.

His forlorn expression made Jisung feel bad about sending him off to school. He squeezed his hand a little tighter after he had wiped off the tears and snot from his face.

“Let’s put your backpack away…” Jisung did it for him, Jeongin’s face still sad as he stood in the classroom.

“Hi Jeongin!” Chan called from behind them.

Jeongin’s eyes filled with tears again at his voice and he pushed forward into Jisung’s chest, almost knocking him over as he crouched to give him a kiss goodbye. His forehead bumped against Jisung’s chest and his hands clutched onto his shirt.

“Aw it’s okay honey.” Jisung patted his back. Now he felt really bad. It had been a long time since Jeongin had cried being dropped off at school.

“Don’t wanna go.” Jeongin’s voice was muffled against him, his tears soaking into the cotton fabric he wore.

“You’ll have such a fun time at school!” Jisung tried to encourage him. “And I’ll be back really soon!”

He tried to pull away but Jeongin wrapped his arms around him tighter, his crying picking up into sobs. Jisung lifted him into his arms, Jeongin’s body drawing against him like a magnet.

He looked around to find Chan for help. The older man smiled in sympathy and joined him in the entryway.

“Rough morning.” Jisung sighed while rubbing Jeongin’s back.

“Aw poor guy.” Chan pouted at the crying boy.

“I’m going to be late for an interview.” Jisung grimaced. “I hate to leave him like this but…”

“It’s fine.” Chan assured him. “It should only be a morning sadness and then the rest of the day will be better.”

“Jeongin, can you go with Chan now?” Jisung tried to pull back to look at his face but Jeongin had his arms tightly around his neck and his face pressed to his shoulder.

“Hey bud, today we have some new toys to play with!” Chan tried to catch a peek at his face. “Will you come check them out with me?”

He touched Jeongin’s back and it just made Jeongin draw further against Jisung, his tears making the side of his neck slick.

“Okay Jeongin.” Jisung tried to pull him off. “It’s time to let go.”

“Don’t leave me daddy!” Jeongin cried, his plea tugging on Jisung’s heart.

Jisung didn’t know what to do, feeling like a terrible parent for having to forcefully separate himself from Jeongin.

“I’ll take him.” Chan helped him out by tucking his hands under Jeongin’s arms and helping pry him away from Jisung. It was hard, but Jisung managed to untangle his fingers from his shirt and let Chan lift the distraught child into his arms.

“Daddy!” Jeongin cried again, his hands reaching for Jisung again though he was faced the wrong direction.

“He’ll be just fine.” Chan nodded at him with a sad smile. “I’ll call you if we need. And good luck!”

Jisung was reluctant to go but he nodded and forced himself to head to the door. If Chan hadn’t been there he probably wouldn’t have left Jeongin. He would have thrown caution to the wind and taken Jeongin with him. But he knew Jeongin was in good hands.

There was a special force looking out for Jeongin, Jisung truly believed. He deserved a guardian presence. It was the only way to describe his simple joy even in the hardest of times for him. Jisung wondered if there was such a guardian for him.

The interview fell through and Jisung was tumbled back into the struggle of surviving one more month. His savings had been brutally depleted during the first few years of Jeongin’s life. There wasn’t much to fall back upon.

The best job Jisung could get was as a part time worker in a packaging department. It at least gave him some hours. But some of the shifts conflicted with the time he had Jeongin at home. He had to find someone to watch him or cycle his hours around to make it work. To say it was hard would be an understatement.

One particularly hard day had him coming home to Chan unpacking groceries in his kitchen. His shoulders slumped and he felt beyond physically tired.

“You really didn’t have to do that.” Jisung dropped his keys on the counter.

“No worries!” Chan greeted him. “Jeongin was getting antsy being at home so I thought we could go on an educational field trip.”

“Oh sure.” Jisung couldn’t help but smile even though he felt terrible that Chan had felt the need to go shopping for him. “How much was everything?”

He opened his wallet and pulled out the cash he had.

“It’s no charge.” Chan put a pack of yogurt in the fridge.

“I can’t have you do that.” Jisung shook his head. “I’ll pay you back.”

“It’s really okay.” Chan gathered the empty bags. “Treat me to take out later and I’ll count us even.”

He walked around Jisung, purposely avoided the payment he outstretched. Jisung wanted to argue more but a small part of him was grateful.

“Where’s my busy guy?” Jisung put his wallet back in his pocket.

“Becoming an architect in the living room.” Chan replied.

Jisung wandered in to find him playing with Legos on the carpet. Jeongin was amazingly good at Legos. They were his favorite toys. They could quite literally capture his attention for an hour.

“I’m home.” Jisung lay down on the carpet next to him and propped his head up on his hand. “Did you have fun today?”

Jeongin didn’t respond, too focused on the blocks in his hand. Jisung chuckled and tickled his fingers up Jeongin’s arm for a moment.

Tiring days always felt more bearable when he got home and got to spend time with Jeongin. He was so cuddly and adorable, just being around him recharged Jisung’s energy.

“How was work?” Chan joined them.

“It was fine.” Jisung rolled to his back and yawned. “I have another interview tomorrow.”

“You need me to take another shift?” Chan joked, asking if he needed him to watch Jeongin.

“I was thinking I would just take him with.” Jisung sighed. “You’ve already watched him three times this week outside of school.”

“I really don’t mind.” Chan stretched his arms like a cat. “It’s not like I have anything else to do.”

“Hm, I’ll think about it.” Jisung rolled back onto his side and pulled some Legos towards him.

“When is dinner time?” Jeongin interrupted with a one-track mind.

“I’ll make something now.” Jisung checked his watch and pushed himself up.

“There are instant noodles on the top shelf.” Chan directed.

“Are you doubting my cooking skills?” Jisung acted offended. “I am more than capable of creating dinner from scratch!”

“Not at all.” Chan raised his hands with a smile.

In the end they had the instant noodles, though they were the nicest brand which required cooking them on the stove. Spicy for Chan and Jisung and regular for Jeongin.

“Will Sunhee be mad you didn’t eat dinner with her?” Jisung asked Chan.

They had talked more openly recently and Chan had shared more about his current relationship with his wife. It confused Jisung how they had drifted apart since Chan still kept that vague, but he found it fascinating how much Chan genuinely loved her and was pursuing the relationship further.

“She’ll be working late tonight.” Chan shrugged.

“Who cooks at your house? You or her?” Jisung asked curiously.

“Definitely her.” Chan laughed. “Even now, she insists on cooking everything, even packing my lunch for when I’m at work.”

“Sounds nice.” Jisung grabbed some more noodles on his chopsticks.

“Yeah, she keeps everything in order, down to the menu.” Chan laughed and for a moment he seemed genuinely happy and content.

“And you two don’t want kids?” Jisung asked.

Chan’s smile melted away and Jisung winced, recognizing he had hit that boundary again.

“We aren’t really thinking of that right now.” Chan replied.

He avoided any further conversation by reaching over to help Jeongin collect more noodles on his chopsticks. Jisung was intrigued as to why Chan wouldn’t want kids when he obviously was so great with them and loved being around them. Was it maybe that Sunhee didn’t want kids? Had that caused division in their relationship?

Chan left after dinner and Jisung got Jeongin ready for bed a bit early. He changed into his pajamas and dropped Jeongin onto his bed. Jeongin giggled and bounced up and down on his knees.

“Do I get to sleep in your bed tonight?” Jeongin asked.

“Nope. You have a bed for a reason!” Jisung teased. “But we can read in here tonight.”

Jeongin pulled back the covers and hid underneath them, turning him into a small lump by his pillows. Jisung laughed at his silly boy.

“Let me see your face!” Jisung pulled the covers back and pulled Jeongin to lay against the pillows with his arm wrapped around his shoulders.

Jeongin squealed and reached for Jisung’s ear to hold while they read. Jisung laughed lightly as his cute habit and pulled him closer. It was nice to spend the last moments of his day with the person he loved most.

He was woken up by Jeongin patting his chest with his hand. He had fallen asleep while reading.

“Oops, I’m sorry.” Jisung shook his head to clear it and set the book aside. “Let’s go to bed now.”

He shifted down under the blankets and cuddled Jeongin close to his chest. He didn’t bother returning Jeongin to his own bed. Tonight it would be okay.

Jisung avoided being with his family as much as possible. A divide had spread open that he didn’t think would ever close. It was incredibly hard at first, but over time Jisung came to terms with it.

In his eyes, it was his own fault. He had caused the conflict in the first place.

_Jisung bit his lip hard enough to drain the color from it. He kept his head down, his phone pressed against his ear._

_“I just need enough to get through the month.” he said quietly._

_“If you can’t feed him, get rid of the kid.” his dad responded harshly through the phone._

_“I promise I’ll pay you back as soon as I get my next paycheck.” Jisung continued. “I don’t need very much.”_

_“You should have thought of the responsibility before you did something stupid.” his father was relentless. “You’re suffering your own consequences.”_

_“I know. I-I’m sorry.” Jisung pressed his forehead against his hand. “I just-.”_

_“You’re desperate. I know.” his father sighed. “I’ll give you exactly enough to get through the month but I expect you to pay me back the first of the month.”_

_Jisung thanked him quietly, his pride in shambles. He ended the call and buried his face in his hands._

_“I think someone’s looking for you.” Felix appeared on the balcony, Jeongin in his arms._

_“Hi honey.” Jisung held Jeongin. He was so small and needy. How was he even surviving with a child this little._

_“Everything alright?” Felix asked._

_“Mm hm.” Jisung nodded and mustered up a smile._

_He could do it if he just held on._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! You made it! Thoughts are greatly appreciated! Have a wonderful day!


	4. Chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for this chapter being SAD sad. It only gets better from here, I promise! I hope you all like my portrayal of some reconciliation processes in relationships! Enjoy reading!

Chan found himself waiting up for Sunhee to get home. She had slowly been moving her things back from where she had been living with her sister and staying every night. They saw each other in the morning and the evening since they both worked in the day.

When she got home, Chan was in bed reading. He set his book aside once she had gotten ready for bed and joined him.

“Do you want me to turn the light off?” she asked while running a brush through her hair.

“Let’s talk for a bit.” Chan offered.

“Okay.” she sat cross legged facing him. “What do you want to talk about?”

“I owe you an apology.” Chan started.

“You don’t need to apologize for anything.” she replied immediately. “If anything, I’m the one who should apologize.”

“That’s not true.” Chan shook his head. “You may blame yourself for leaving but I’m the one who drove you away.”

“You really didn’t do anything.” Sunhee fiddled with the blanket under her hand. “I should have been here for you.”

_“You’re leaving?” Chan was shocked seeing her throw her clothes into her suitcase._

_“I’m going to stay with my sister for a little while.” she replied._

_“For how long?” Chan moved to the side of the bed where her suitcase lay._

_“I don’t know.” she grabbed shoes and shoved them in haphazardly. “I’ll let you know when I figure it out.”_

_“You can’t just… leave.” Chan stopped her as she tried to dump more clothes into her suitcase._

_“I need space okay.” Sunhee looked at him. “I just need to be out of this house. Plus, she’s closer to my work.”_

_“How can you move a-and go to work and just… how can you do anything!” Chan raised his voice slightly._

_“It’s been a month!” Sunhee moved his arm out of the way to keep packing. “I have to start living again!”_

_“How can you even face going to work?” Chan snapped, angry at her perceived disregard._

_“Time doesn’t stop just because our son is dead!” she stopped to respond directly back to him._

_“My life has stopped!” Chan shouted back. “Do you even know what it feels like?”_

_“Don’t you dare think this isn’t hard for me!” she clenched her fists at her sides. “I’m suffering as much as you are!”_

_“Obviously not because you seem just fine returning to your life!” Chan knew somewhere deep down that his words were untrue and sharp, cutting her deeply._

_“How dare you say that to me?” she gasped. “I loved him! Just as much as you did! Don’t ever say that I’m not grieving!”_

_“I don’t understand how you can think about returning to your normal life! Our lives will never be normal again!” Chan shouted back._

_“Maybe not for you! But that’s all I have left!” she gripped her hair in her hand, turning away in distress._

_“All you have left huh?” Chan said bitterly._

_“That’s not what I meant.” She turned back to him. “It’s the only thing I know how to control.”_

_“If there’s nothing left for you here then leave.” Chan’s heart was closed off and cold, too hurt to process the damage he was furthering._

_“Don’t guilt me into staying here!” she started shouting again. “I can’t stand to be here anymore because everything reminds me of him! I need to stop remembering!”_

_“You can’t forget our son!” Chan jabbed his finger at her._

_“Just shut up and get out!” she screamed. “Get out!”_

_Chan had no words left to say, only all-consuming emotion. He was hurt most of all. It felt like a betrayal. Sunhee was the only one he felt he had that understood how crushing just being alive was._

_Both of them had thrown painful words at each other. And at the end of the day Sunhee left, leaving Chan truly alone in the empty house._

“The things I said that night were uncalled for and untrue. I accused you of t-the worst thing I could think of.” Chan told her. “I regret it every day.”

“You had every right to be angry with me.” she shook her head. “I should never have left. I was so wrong to think either of us could do this on our own.”

“You could of.” Chan said quietly. “I realize now that you’ve always been that kind of person. The person who feels comforted by the drive and action of whatever they set their mind too.”

Sunhee listened to him without responding.

“You were a mom. That was your identity. When that got taken away you chose to cope by applying yourself to regaining yourself before we had him.” Chan explained his recognition of her thought process.

Sunhee shifted to lean against the pillows next to him. Their shoulders were less than a centimeter apart.

“Deep down, I’m still a mom.” she thought out loud. “Just like you’re still a dad, even if Seungmin isn’t with us right now. You can’t take that away.”

Chan nodded slowly.

“I didn’t lose my identity as a mom, so it felt easier to move on and return to my life.” Sunhee explained. “The time I had with Seungmin is precious and has its own space in my heart. And you’re right. I needed to have something to apply myself to in order to keep myself sane.”

She rolled onto her side and gently lay her hand on Chan’s chest.

“If I said I forgave you, would you believe me?” she asked.

Chan nodded. It felt like yet another painful weight had been lifted from his chest.

“Can you forgive me?” she asked. This time her voice was quiet and hesitant. “What I did was far worse. In a way… I think I hurt you more than you could handle.”

“I already forgave you the second you really left.” Chan replied, staring at the opposite wall. “I didn’t need you to come back for me to forgive you.”

“I’m so sorry.” her forehead dropped to press against his shoulder.

“Don’t apologize anymore. Everything is forgiven.” Chan finally touched her hand softly.

“Thank you.” her voice wavered as she answered.

It was still painful. Just because something was forgiven didn’t mean it was fixed. There was still an empty room down the hall that had once held the center of their universe. There was still a long road to walk to feel okay again.

They didn’t kiss or even hug that night. They simply lay on their own sides of the bed. Forgiven but not united again. They weren’t one and the same.

The next morning, Sunhee didn’t have work. He came down to her tying up her hair and rolling up her sleeves. She had that expression on her face that she got when she was determined to do something.

“What’s the project for today?” Chan leaned on the counter and grabbed an apple.

There whole house had been remodeled by her in the past month so he wasn’t sure what else was left.

“I want to redo Seungmin’s room.” she put her hands on her hips and nodded with certainty.

Chan felt like he had been punched in the chest. He couldn’t speak for a few moments.

“Oh.” Was all he managed to say.

“I’m going to pick some paint options today, look at turning it into a guest bedroom.” Sunhee said with a short breath. “I think it will be good.”

“I have to go somewhere today.” Chan said numbly.

“That’s fine.” She smiled. “I won’t be doing anything major without you.”

Chan didn’t answer. He didn’t know how he felt about changing the room. He hadn’t even been able to go in there for months.

But he didn’t have time to dwell on it because he had to pick up Jeongin and Jisung.

Chan had offered the option of taking Jeongin to the petting zoo nearby that day. He thought it would be a good idea for Jeongin to get to experience a zoo, even if he couldn’t see, through his other senses.

He picked the two of them up early in the morning and drove to the zoo. Jeongin was in a particularly good mood, singing and clapping his hands in his car seat. Young kids were imagination warriors and Jeongin could definitely keep himself occupied for hours.

“Your phone is ringing, want me to answer it?” Jisung looked down to where his phone rested in the center console.

“Who is it?” Chan asked.

“Sunhee.” Jisung read the contact name.

“I’ll send her a text when we get there.” Chan replied. “I think she just wants to know my paint color choice…”

“How is it going with you two?” Jisung asked.

“We’re both doing well.” Chan smiled slightly. “Slowly starting to remember what we were in the beginning I think.”

“That’s really great. I’m happy for you.” Jisung patted him on the shoulder.

“How are you doing?” Chan turned the tables on him. “Job search going okay?”

“Ah that…” Jisung sighed. “I hate how crowded this city is and how hard it is to get a steady professional job at my age.”

Chan nodded in sympathy.

“But I don’t want to think about that right now.” Jisung shook his head as they pulled up to the zoo. “I just want to have fun today!”

The zoo was fun. Jeongin was having the time of his life. There were so many animals to interact with that Jeongin wasn’t bored for a moment.

Chan watched him run his hand along the soft fur of a sheep, his mouth slightly parted in awe. He had a cute habit of clenching his fists and shaking them excitedly when he was done touching the animal. He was a little cautious of some since he could sense how big they were just by touch and sound, but Jisung was there to give him confidence.

Everything was going well until they went to the puppy section. It was undoubtedly most popular, for Jeongin and for Jisung. Jeongin was overrun with puppies crawling on his lap and licking his face. Jisung was also laughing and holding a squirmy black puppy. Chan watched Jeongin lift a puppy with curly white hair into his lap and pet it gently.

His smile faded as he remembered another little boy sitting on the floor of the pet store holding another puppy while he watched.

_“Daddy please!” Seungmin all but screamed from his car seat._

_“We don’t have time Minnie.” Chan replied. “We’re going to see Hyunjin.”_

_“But I want to see the puppies for a little bit!” Seungmin crossed his arms as best he could and pulled his expression into an angry pout as they passed the pet store._

_“We’ll go later.” Chan already felt a headache coming on with how whiny Seungmin had been all day. Seungmin had been to the pet store two times that week anyways._

_“I wanna go now!” Seungmin kicked his feet against the back of Chan’s seat to no avail._

_Luckily, Hyunjin’s house was near the pet store so the time Chan n had to deal with Seungmin was short. He unbuckled the sulking boy and tried to carry him but Seungmin wriggled to get down._

_Usually being at Chan’s house put Seungmin in a good mood immediately but when they got inside Seungmin headed straight for Sunhee and buried his face in her lap. She was sitting talking to Hyunjin’s wife._

_Sunhee paused their conversation to run one hand through Seungmin’s hair. She raised her eyebrow at Chan who just sighed._

_“Should have avoided that one place.” he shrugged._

_She nodded in understanding and patted Seungmin’s back._

_“Hyunjin brought some trucks toys for you.” Sunhee tried to redirect his attention. “Don’t you want to play with them?”_

_Seungmin stayed with his face on her lap and his feet on the floor. She couldn’t help but chuckle at his cute tantrum. He could be very stubborn._

_Chan went to help Hyunjin with the grill outside and brushed off Seungmin’s attitude for the time being. But when it was time to eat Seungmin was still just as grumpy and unreasonable._

_He clung to Sunhee but whined about everything she did. He played with the trucks for just a bit but then returned to her side, asking for attention but once he had it didn’t know what he wanted._

_After dinner Chan gestured for her to give Seungmin to him and give her a break._

_“I don’t know why he’s so fussy.” she sighed. “He’s just in a mood about everything. He’s probably tired.”_

_“He seemed to get plenty of sleep last night.” Chan took Seungmin onto his lap. Could he maybe be sick? He was usually uncharacteristically moody if he was tired or not feeling well._

_Chan sat out on the patio with Hyunjin, Seungmin nestled in his lap. The night was warm and everything seemed peaceful. Chan was enjoying talking to Hyunjin but Seungmin kept squirming around in his lap like he couldn’t get comfortable._

_He knocked his forehead against Chan’s collarbone and then got frustrated, rubbing his hand over where he had bumped it._

_“Calm down bud.” Chan pet his hand over his hair._

_“I’m tired!” Seungmin whined._

_Sunhee had been right in her guess that he was tired. Chan didn’t want to leave yet and it wasn’t his bedtime either._

_“You can go ahead and sleep.” Chan tucked his head against his shoulder so he was lying in a comfortable position. He secretly loved when Seungmin fell asleep on him._

_It worked for a few minutes before Seungmin was rubbing his nose against his neck and then sitting up._

_“What is it Minnie?” Chan sighed._

_“My throat hurts.” he touched the sides of his neck, just under his jaw._

_Chan touched the area, feeling how his lymph nodes were slightly swollen. Seungmin moved away, complaining that it hurt to touch. He was definitely coming down with something._

_They didn’t have much of a choice but to cut their time short and take Seungmin home to bed. He was too fidgety to try to have him rest at Hyunjin’s house._

_Chan and Sunhee were woken up later that night by Seungmin coming in crying. He cried that his arms and legs hurt._

_Chan held him while Sunhee rummaged through the medicines in their cabinet. He had a fever and he was exhausted even though he couldn’t sleep. It was becoming a long night. Chan rubbed his hand up and down his slightly too warm back as he rested his head on his shoulder. Seungmin rarely sucked his thumb for comfort but tonight he kept it in his mouth._

_“I’m not sure what we can give him for his sore muscles.” Sunhee frowned. “We have kids fever medicine but he says his arms and legs hurt. Would that be Motrin?”_

_“I don’t know, let me see.” Chan took the bottle with one hand and inspected the back. He wasn’t too sure so they stuck with the fever medicine._

_“Maybe a cool pack would help?” After an hour of Seungmin still not being able to sleep, Chan had relocated to laying on the couch, Seungmin practically on top of him._

_He seemed to have cried himself out for the night but still made little noises of pain or discomfort. In the morning Sunhee called it and they headed to the hospital._

Chan struggled to keep his breathing even as he stood in the bathroom. The memories had risen so fast just being in the petting zoo. It felt like someone was squeezing his heart with no intention of releasing it.

It felt like the first few days after Chan returned from the hospital when he could only lay in bed and struggle to breath. He pressed his hands against the edge of the counter, dropping his head and trying to breathe slowly.

“Chan?” Jisung appeared behind him, probably wondering where he had disappeared to and why he was gone so long.

“Oh god-.” Chan gasped out, sinking into a crouch and pressing a hand to his eyes shakily.

“Are you alright?” Jisung dropped down next to him and put his hand in between his shoulder blades.

“I should have just taken him to see the puppies.” Chan gasped out, tears starting to burn his eyes.

“W-what?” Jisung stammered, not sure what was going on.

Chan started crying, his shoulder shaking slightly and his breaths coming out in small gasps.

“What should I do? Do you need something?” Jisung patted his back worriedly.

“I need just one more day.” Chan whimpered, overcome with grief in the moment.

He wasn’t sure how long he cried there on the bathroom floor, but his legs protested when he finally stood. He wiped his tears and cleared his throat, ashamed to have broken down in front of Jisung.

“I’m so sorry.” he apologized. “I didn’t mean to…”

“It’s okay.” Jisung replied quietly. “A-are you okay?”

“I just need a minute.” Chan turned away, embarrassed that Jisung had walked in on his breakdown.

“Okay, I’ll- um, be outside.” Jisung hesitated but left him alone.

Chan took another couple minutes collecting himself before returning outside. Jisung and Jeongin were sitting on a bench nearby waiting for him. He put on the most convincing smile he could as he walked up to them.

“Sorry I took so long!” Chan took Jeongin’s hand. “Are you ready to go to the sheep now?”

Jeongin jumped down to the ground and beamed happily.

“I’m ready!” He cheered, making Chan smile genuinely.

His gaze met Jisung’s for a moment. He looked confused at how Chan wasn’t addressing what had just happened. Chan just shook his head lightly as if to say not now. Today wasn’t a day for sadness, it was for Jeongin.

They went through the rest of the zoo, Jeongin having the time of his life. It helped soothe Chan’s sensitive heart seeing how happy he was. Jisung respected his decision not to speak of his moment for the rest of the trip.

He only brought it up when Chan was dropping them off at their apartment.

“About today.” Jisung let Jeongin in the apartment and then stood in the doorway. “What happened back there?”

“I’m really sorry about that.” Chan grimaced. “I didn’t mean to make a scene.”

“You just seemed really out of it for a moment.” Jisung shifted uncomfortably. “Are you sure everything’s okay? I know I’m not in much of a position to offer help but… if you need anything, I’m here.”

“Thank you.” Chan thanked him sincerely. “I’ll be fine. There’s no need for you to worry.”

“Okay. I trust you.” Jisung accepted his words. “I’ll let you get back home.”

“Goodnight.” Chan raised his hand as he stepped away. “And… thanks for letting me come along today.”

“You’re always welcome.” Jisung nodded his head back to him and waved goodbye.

When Chan returned home, Sunhee was sitting on the couch reading a book. She had her feet tucked under her and a blanket over her lap.

“Hi there.” she smiled as he came in the door. “How was it?”

Chan took his time putting away his coat and shoes. He felt emotionally and mentally exhausted after the long day.

“It was fun.” he replied, sitting next to her. “But there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“Go ahead.” she marked her book and set it aside.

“I don’t want to change Seungmin’s room.” he swallowed and looked down at his hands. “I’m not ready.”

Sunhee sat for a moment, thinking about it.

“Okay. We don’t have to.” she replied.

Chan swore she had a sixth sense that picked up on his emotions. She didn’t say anything and just ran her hand back and forth across his back. She could tell it had been a hard day.

Chan let himself think of a small hand fitting inside his, warm breaths tickling against his ear as a secret was whispered, laughter as fingers tickled under arms. He broke much slower than earlier in the day. Slowly leaning over until his elbows rested on his knees. He buried his face in his hands as the tears started to fall again.

“Oh sweetheart…” Sunhee shifted closer and wrapped her arm around his torso from behind, her cheek pressing against his shoulder. She held him while he cried out all the emotion. The sadness, the longing, the memories dipped in grief.

“Why can’t I stop being sad?” he asked, wiping at his tears with the back of his hand.

“We never stop being sad.” she whispered back. “We’ll always miss him.”

Chan sat up slowly and tried to clear his mind with a deep breath.

“I don’t want to stop you from doing what you need.” he told her. “I-if you really want to change his room then you can. I just don’t know if I can help.”

“To be honest… I don’t know if I can either.” she admitted. “I wasn’t able to go in there all day.”

“I guess we’re both a mess.” Chan laughed shortly.

“We’re a mess together.” she linked her pinky with his. “Better than being a mess alone, right?”

“Right.” Chan nodded.

At least they were in it together again.

_“I can’t do this.” Chan shook his head harshly and backed away, trying to put space between himself and what was waiting beyond the door._

_“You have to.” Hyunjin caught his arms and forced him to stand still. “You don’t have a choice.”_

_Chan let out a strangled noise and dropped his head in utter defeat. If he went through that door, it would really be over. It would be real._

_“You have to do it for her.” Hyunjin urged him. “She’s in there alone, waiting for you.”_

_She was the only person he would brave the storm for. The only person he loved more than the little body they had buried the day before._

_He took a breath and went through the door. Dozens of eyes followed him as he went down the aisle of the church but he only had eyes for one person._

_Sunhee stood in the very front, her hand clasped tightly behind her back, face devoid of anything. He knew all the emotion was buried deep inside like she always managed to do._

_He held her hand tightly in his own and focused his gaze ahead in an attempt to match her composure. During the service she sat with her back straight and her eyes trained to the front. Chan sobbed to the point that his forehead hit his knees. He silenced himself by pressing his hand against his mouth while Hyunjin rubbed his back. Through it all, the only thing that kept him there was Sunhee’s hand holding his._

_Sunhee didn’t come home with him that night. It was too painful of a reminder and she needed space. Chan returned home alone for the first time._

_That first time stretched into months. Every time he came home, he braced himself to be numb. It was exhausting mentally and emotionally. There was no warmth or happiness left in the house. It was empty._

That night, Chan reached across the space between them first, drawing her closer. He didn’t want to do it alone anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the next chapter, with is Jisung's POV, we get some more hard decisions, but let me assure you that not everything ends sadly! I am very curious if any of you are trying to guess the ending right now... I am excited to take you on a roller coaster hehe! <3


	5. Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Hope you all are doing lovely today! If not, maybe my story can cheer you up some! Well... this chapter is a bit sad but it's really really soft! I hope it tugs at your heartstrings! Let me know if you love Felix as much as I do hehe!

Jisung had to take Jeongin to the store with him early Saturday morning because he didn’t have anything for breakfast. He was sure they had some cereal left but all of the boxes had been empty. It was another blow to how he felt about himself being a parent at the moment.

Jeongin whined when Jisung tried to set him in the shopping cart so Jisung had to hold him while he shopped. Jeongin was so wiped out from waking up multiple times in the night that he fell asleep on Jisung’s shoulder.

It was a bit hard to grab what he needed with a sleeping boy in his arm but he managed. Finally he was done and he headed to checkout. Once everything was rung up, he fished his wallet out of his pocket to pay for his groceries.

His heart sunk when he saw the few bills left in his worn wallet. He had forgotten he needed to buy Jeongin a new coat and had to spend his money on it the day before. He double checked the amount needed and stared down at his wallet.

He really never imagined he would get to this point in his life. It was like his life was truly putting him in crisis.

“Um, I’m sorry.” Jisung’s face burned as he shifted Jeongin to be more comfortable. “Could we take out a few items?”

The cashier eyed the money in his hand with judgement in her eyes and Jisung looked away, unbelievably ashamed.

“Hold on.” The person behind him stepped forward and held his hand out to the cashier. “I can cover whatever extra there is.”

“Oh no!” Jisung waved his hand in denial. “I’ll just take something out.”

“It’s no problem.” the person was already taking out their wallet. “The groceries are already bagged anyways. It would be a hassle.”

“Thank you.” Jisung said softly, bowing as much as he could with Jeongin in his arms. He didn’t know what to say.

“Do you need help carrying them to your car?” The stranger further offered.

“Um, I think I got it…” Jisung replied.

“No worries! Cute kid by the way.” The man smiled at him.   
“Thank you.” Jisung offered a shy smile. “He’s… fast asleep.”

The stranger laughed and handed over the money to the cashier.

“Are you his older brother or babysitter?” he asked.

“He’s my son actually.” Jisung laughed awkwardly.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” the strangers smile didn’t fade. “He actually does resemble you quite a bit!”

“You think so?” Jisung smiled.

“Definitely has your face shape.” the man observed.

“Ah, I guess so!” Jisung gathered his groceries and nodded towards the man. “Thank you again and have a nice day!”

“You too.” the man waved goodbye with a smile on his face.

It had been nice of him to help Jisung out but Jisung felt the action as a direct hit to his pride. As he buckled Jeongin into his car seat his chest felt tight. He felt hurt that he barely had the money to be able to fit their grocery budget.

He couldn’t stop thinking about it all week. He picked up extra shifts at the warehouse but it was still just barely enough to keep up with everything. The heater in their car had broken but he couldn’t get it fixed. It was another thing he worried over.

The more work he had, the less time he could spend with Jeongin. Most nights he walked Jeongin through getting ready for bed half asleep, falling asleep as soon as he hit his bed or the couch. The words of his parents and friends, both positive and negative rose to the forefront of his mind constantly.

His heart was torn between wanting the best for Jeongin but also knowing that he may never be able to give that to him. His birthday was coming up and Jisung didn’t know if he could do anything.

One night after he got home, he brought the issue up to Chan. He had taken his worries seriously enough to look at some options for him and Jeongin.

Chan sat down across from him at the table as Jisung shrugged off his jacket and sat tiredly.

“Long day at work?” Chan asked.

Jisung nodded and glanced through the mail before tossing it aside. He didn’t want to think about more bills at the moment.

“I’ve been looking into open adoptions.” Jisung said quietly, almost hoping Chan wouldn’t hear. His head snapped up anyways.

“For what?” Chan asked, frowning.

“For Jeongin.” Jisung held his breath.

Chan stared at him for a few moments while processing what he had said.

“You don’t really mean that.” he replied in a low voice. “That’s really drastic.”

“I’ve already looked into what my options are.” Jisung felt his throat tighten as he voiced his process out loud. “I-it’s a process. I was just looking… I want to know if he has a better shot at life… you know.”

“W-what- how can you say that?” Chan’s tone was almost accusatory. “You’re talking about… giving him up.”

“If that’s what I have to do to give him a good life then it’s what I’ll do.” Jisung met his gaze again but he wavered in his heart. It made him sick thinking about it but he brought it up to Chan anyways for his opinion.

“You can’t really be serious.” Chan leaned forward. “He _has_ a good life. Here. With you.”

“I can barely afford the rent!” Jisung gestured around him. “Everything is so tightly budgeted I barely have extra for books and toys and shoes! I had to take him out of specialized school for the blind- he may not know what he’s missing but I do! And I want to give that to him.”

“Those are all material things! He needs you! His father!” Chan didn’t mean to raise his voice but he couldn’t help it. “You can’t separate him from you!”

“He needs more than I can give him!” Jisung shot back. “There are families that will take him in and give him what he needs, what he wants but doesn’t know.”

“He’s perfectly fine with what you give him! His needs are met!” Chan spread his arms in a frustrated gesture.

“He’s blind Chan!” Jisung brought his hand down on the table harshly. “Isn’t his life hard enough? He can’t grow up like a normal kid in these conditions!”

It took Chan a moment to respond.

“He _loves_ you.” Chan replied. “You’ll be abandoning him by sending him away!”

“No I’m not!” Jisung snapped angrily. “Don’t try to guilt me with that!”

“It’s the truth!” Chan responded. “He’s just a child! He won’t understand what you’re doing even if it’s for his best interest! You can’t make that decision for him!”

“Who are you to tell me what to do?” Jisung scoffed. “You’ve never had a child! You wouldn’t understand.”

“Don’t go there!” Chan stood, his chair scraping along the floor. “Don’t tell me I don’t understand! I know what it’s like to lose a child!”

Jisung blinked up at him, shocked into silence by his explosive reaction.

“I had a son.” Chan said in a dangerously low tone. “I-I lost him when he was Jeongin’s age.”

Jisung’s brain scrambled to understand what he was saying. Chan had a son?

“You don’t understand what it’s like as a parent to lose your child.” Chan pointed his finger at him. “In this case you’re doing it to yourself _and_ to Jeongin. You’re choosing to put yourself through hell.”

“I-I-.” Jisung stumbled over his words, not knowing how to respond.

“I will do everything in my power to change your mind but know that if you go through with this you will damage him beyond repair.” Chan warned. “And yourself as well.”

“I need- I can’t-.” Jisung didn’t know what to say.

“Think through this very carefully Jisung.” Chan warned him. “Think about what you will be doing.”

Chan left him sitting there with his brain feeling chaotic and confused. He had expected Chan to be shocked, but not outraged. He let his head fall into his hands. More than anything, he needed someone to support him. Chan had been that person that he had counted on.

He didn’t know what he was doing. It was desperation yet again that drove him to research adoption options. He just felt so terrible about Jeongin having to live in the tiny apartment and go to a school not geared for him and struggle through life without the resources many other had.

Later that night, Chan called him. Jisung let it go to voicemail. Four times. He went to Jeongin’s room, easing into Jeongin’s bed carefully. Jeongin stirred a little but didn’t wake up.

Jisung gently cradled him close, his chest physically aching with the war of emotions inside of him.

On Monday, Jeongin didn’t go to school. Jisung had a shift in the morning, Felix watching Jeongin. Jisung came home around noon to spend time with Jeongin. He felt like he was hurting Jeongin knowingly even though he didn’t want to.

He had asked Felix not to say anything about Jeongin’s birthday. Jisung just didn’t have the time or money to spend on gifts or a party. Maybe it would just pass without him even knowing. It broke Jisung’s heart but he didn’t have much of a choice with tuition fees due soon.

Working multiple part time jobs only did so much, especially with trying to have time for a kid and provide for the two of them.

Jeongin was so tired from a long week, he took a nap. Jisung took the time to tidy up the apartment and then try to summon up enough energy to write. He was distracted by a knock on the door before he could really dive in.

He sighed and dragged himself to the door. When he opened it, he froze, not expecting the person on his doorstep.

“Hi.” Chan had his hands shoved in his pockets shyly.

“Hi.” Jisung responded, staring at him.

“Sorry to bother you. I just thought we could talk for a minute?” Chan winced, knowing he was asking a lot.

“That’s fine.” Jisung stepped aside to let him in. He was self-conscious of his sweatpants and oversized t-shirt.

“Where’s Jeongin?” Chan glanced around the apartment.

“Oh he’s sleeping.” Jisung waved towards his bedroom.

“Is he okay?” Chan asked. “I mean, he didn’t come to school today.”

“I just needed a day.” Jisung shrugged, too tired to think about how it sounded.

“Listen Jisung, I’m really sorry I flipped out on you. It was uncalled for.” Chan apologized. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you like that.”

“It’s fine.” Jisung leaned against the table and crossed his arms.

“I want to start over.” Chan took a deep breath. “You shared some personal stuff with me and I responded wrongly. Let’s talk about it.”

“We don’t have to.” Jisung said quickly. “Let’s just forget it.”

Chan watched him for a moment and then sighed, looking down.

“I know I haven’t been totally honest with you…” he admitted. “There are some things you need to know.”

Jisung tipped his chin up, indicating for him to continue.

“I was a dad.” Chan let his arms drift from his sides and fall back. “I know what it’s like to have a little boy that you love more than anything in the world.”

Jisung stared at him. He had puzzled over what Chan had said before.

“I’m not mad at you Jisung. I just got emotional.” Chan continued. “I lost my baby… I just didn’t want you to have to go through that as well.”

Jisung’s heart hurt a little seeing Chan’s expression. He would never have guessed Chan had such a painful past.

“I should have checked on you first though.” Chan said softly. “Are you okay?”

Jisung would usually say he was fine and brush it off but for some reason no words could come to his mind. His chest felt wound tight and his throat ached with tears. He struggled to blink back tears, gripping his arms tightly to try to hold his emotions in.

“No. I’m not.”

Chan took his quiet confession gently.

“Everything is too hard.” Jisung’s breath caught. “I’m losing everything.”

Chan nodded, letting him speak.

“When he was young, I thought things would get better. I sold my writing and got myself to this point and things were okay.” Jisung blinked rapidly. “But now it’s different. I want him to have the experiences he needs but I can’t give them to him.”

He pressed trembling fingers to his lips, blinking through blurred vision.

“It’s his birthday in three days and I can’t even get him a gift.”

The admission sent Jisung over the edge. He covered his face with one hand, bowing his head and biting his lip hard to keep from making noise. Tears wet his fingers.

When Chan hugged him, Jisung curled further into himself, trying to make himself smaller. He wasn’t used to comfort.

“I never thought I would be here.” Jisung choked out.

He was so young. If he hadn’t dropped school for Jeongin, he would be graduated by now. He would probably be easing into the workplace smoothly and living a full life.

Chan held him as he shed tears for the first time in months. He had no time or space for tears.

“Daddy?”

Jisung immediately wiped at his face, pushing away from Chan.

“I’m here honey.” he cleared his throat and wiped his face before moving to Jeongin.

“Who’s here?” Jeongin asked him quietly, his hand clutching onto Jisung’s sweatpants.

“It’s just Chan.” Jisung combed down his bed head tenderly.

Jisung felt tears pushing at his eyes again as Jeongin gave Chan a hug. Chan watched him carefully while still paying attention to Jeongin.

Jisung moved to the kitchen, getting himself a glass of water. He stood at the sink staring down at the water.

Chan joined him, his hand lightly pressing against Jisung’s lower back.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung shook his head slightly to clear it. “I didn’t mean to act like that.”

“It’s okay.” Chan replied. “You have nothing to be sorry about.”

“Let’s not let Jeongin know.” Jisung asked him, looking at him with pleading eyes.

Chan stared back at him for a moment.

“You’re really strong Jisung.” he whispered.

Jisung looked away, feeling anything but strong. He was uncharacteristically quiet, feeling exhausted even though Jeongin was high energy.

Over the next week, Jisung struggled to find motivation. He couldn’t even bear to look for jobs or look for extra shifts. It was like the soul had been drained from his body. The stress triggered another episode for him and he could barely function.

“Keep reading honey.” Jisung encouraged Jeongin to continue working on his homework. He was sitting at the kitchen table, his socked feet kicking back and forth over the edge of his chair.

Jisung braced one hand on the table, the other arm wrapping around his abdomen in pain.

“I don’t know this word.” Jeongin frowned.

“Ignore it and move on.” Jisung said breathily. Usually he would walk Jeongin through it but at the moment he couldn’t focus.

“Chan can help you later.” he straightened up slowly and headed to his bedroom.

He just wanted to lay down but Jeongin followed him shortly after.

“I’m done.” he announced, searching for Jisung with his hand.

“Good job honey.” Jisung curled in his bed, gritting his teeth. When Jeongin’s hand brushed against his back he just pressed his face against his pillow.

“Can we go somewhere in the car?” Jeongin asked, trying to climb onto the bed with him.

“Not now.” Jisung clenched his hand in the covers. Jeongin was oblivious of the pain he was going through.

“Please?” Jeongin’s voice turned whiny and Jisung groaned. When Jeongin had his mind set on something, he rarely backed down.

“I’m not feeling good, baby.” Jisung told him.

Jeongin managed to get on the bed, crawling cautiously to Jisung. His hand brushed over Jisung’s face and hair.

“Can you go watch TV for a bit?” Jisung asked.

“I want to play a game.” Jeongin persisted.

Jisung really didn’t know what to do with Jeongin. When he was incapacitated with an episode, he couldn’t engage with him fully. Jeongin was worried about him sometimes but mostly pestered him constantly because he didn’t understand what was wrong with Jisung.

Jisung decided not to torture the two of them forever and called Chan, asking him to pick Jeongin up. Chan didn’t mind luckily.

“Are you alright?” Chan asked as Jisung walked slowly down the hall to find shoes for Jeongin. Jisung nodded tiredly but the pain in his lower abdomen said differently.

It hurt to crouch down to get Jeongin’s shoes but Jisung managed it. He sat on Jeongin’s bed and strapped them on.

“I can do the other one!” Jeongin pulled his foot away to do the second one himself. Jisung leaned forward, holding his head in his hands and trying to breathe slowly.

“Can you wait for me by the door?” Chan asked Jeongin with a happy tone.

Once he was gone, Chan crouched in front of Jisung touching his knee gently.

“If you need me to stay with you, I will.” he said seriously. “Whatever you need, I’m here.”

“Just take Jeongin.” Jisung mumbled. “I’m sorry for asking.”

“Stop apologizing.” Chan shook his head. “Where’s your phone?”

“Somewhere in my room.” Jisung tensed up as another cramp hit him.

“Hold on.” Chan went to retrieve it. Jisung eased down onto his side on the bed, hoping it would be over soon.

“I want you to keep this on you.” Chan instructed him, setting his phone next to him. “Call me if you need absolutely anything.”

Jisung nodded tiredly.

“Jisung-.” Chan was hesitant to leave. “You’re worrying me a little.”

“Go.” Jisung shooed him with his hand. “I’ll call if I need.”

He did call eventually, but it wasn’t Chan.

“Want me to get you another blanket?” Felix asked.

“No, this is fine.” Jisung lay on the couch with a blanket draped over him, his head resting on the pillow on Felix’s lap.

Felix’s fingers rubbed soothing circles in his abdomen. He had always been the best at massages. Jisung shifted his head and let out a content breath.

“You’ve been really stressed recently.” Felix commented, staring at the TV. “I get the feeling there’s something more than what you’ve told me.”

“It’s not important.” Jisung replied softly. “Something I have to work out on my own.”

“Are you sure?” Felix replied. “You seem really stuck in your head.”

“Just thinking about Jeongin. Same old things.” Jisung avoided the truth.

“Chan’s been over here a lot.” Felix commented. “I won’t pretend I’m not curious about him. You seem to trust him an awful lot with Jeongin.”

“He’s good with him.” Jisung nodded. “He sure knows a lot more than I do about helping him too.”

“Why do you base everything off of that?” Felix sighed.

“What?” Jisung turned his head to look up at him.

“You act like anything revolving around him being blind is most important.” Felix elaborated.

“It is important.” Jisung frowned. “He’s only a kid. He still has a lot of growing up to do. Imagine how hard it is for him.”

“I know but… you never focus on it so much.” Felix shrugged. “Why now?”

“Because he really is growing up now.” Jisung tucked his hand under his cheek. “I just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing.”

They fell into silence again for a bit. Jisung was tired, wanting to fall asleep right there. Felix shifted his hand to comb through his hair.

“I just want him to live a good life, even if it’s not with me.” Jisung yawned and snuggled closer.

Felix’s hand stilled and Jisung registered him tense up.

“What does that mean?” Felix asked in a low tone.

“Nothing.” Jisung quickly backtracked, cursing his slip up. “It’s just something in my head.”

“What is that something?” Felix pressed.

Luckily, Jisung didn’t have to give an answer because Jeongin and Chan came back right then. Jisung sat up slowly, his blanket sliding off of him as Jeongin made his way into the room.

“I’m on the couch.” he called out.

Jeongin turned towards his voice, running to him. Jisung lifted him into his arms before he could collide with his knees.

“We got medicine for you daddy.” Jeongin squeezed him tightly in a hug.

“Oh… thanks baby.” Jisung pressed a kiss to the side of Jeongin’s head, aware of Felix watching them closely.

Chan bowed his head in greeting to Felix, shrugging off his coat and setting a bag on the table.

Jisung stood, carrying Jeongin to his bedroom and setting him up for bed. He returned to the living room after getting him pajamas to change into.

“You really didn’t have to do that.” he said to Chan as he passed him but looked in the bag anyways. Chan waved him off as always.

Jisung inspected the bottle of painkillers Chan had gotten him.

“I was thinking about what I could do with Jeongin on the weekend.” Chan leaned back against the counter. “I thought he might like to go to the beach.”

“Yeah that sounds fine.” Jisung nodded. “My shift is pretty much all day.”

“Are you like Jeongin’s babysitter?” Felix joined them, shoving his hands in his pockets casually but his shoulders were tense.

“I guess?” Chan laughed. “I watch him sometimes. I’m his teacher at school.”

“I see.” Felix nodded. Jisung frowned at him looking at Chan like he was analyzing him.

He approached Felix about it after Chan had left.

“Why were you so weird with Chan?” Jisung asked him.

“I wasn’t weird with him.” Felix replied back flatly. “If anything, you’re weird with him.”

“How so?” Jisung scoffed.

“How long have you known him? It’s like all of a sudden he’s around all of the time.” Felix replied.

“Is that a problem.” Jisung frowned.

“Don’t think I forgot what you said.” Felix frowned back. “What did you mean when you said Jeongin should have a good life without you?”

“Literally nothing!” Jisung shot back. “Why is it such a big deal?”

“Because it seems like Jeongin has been spending a lot of time with Chan and something about it feels weird!” Felix lifted his hands and let them drop.

“He helps a lot.” Jisung argued back.

“I help a lot and you’re not saying those things.” Felix rolled his eyes.

“Are you jealous?” Jisung acted shocked. “I thought you were busy with school. If you want to watch Jeongin during the week, be my guest.”

“That’s not what I meant!” Felix clenched his hands in to fists in frustration. “You’ve just been acting so strange and don’t want to tell me why, not to mention you’ve acted so weird about Jeongin!”

“I told you I’m having to make decisions for his future that are really important!” Jisung tapped his own chest. “Sorry if my- mood bothers you.”

“What do you need to decide?” Felix looked confused. “He’s five years old!”

“If I can support him until he’s fifteen! That’s what!” Jisung hissed, not wanting to raise his voice too high because Jeongin was sleeping.

“You’re stressing yourself out too much.” Felix shook his head and turned to enter the living room.

“Am I?” Jisung followed him. “I can’t even have a birthday party for him! I can’t send him on any field trips, I don’t have time to set up play dates for him, I can’t even go to his school meetings!”

“So you’re having Chan do it for you?” Felix frowned, looking genuinely confused.

“Until I can find someone else who can, yes.” Jisung crossed his arms over his chest, a mix of anger and frustration giving him courage.

Felix stared at him, processing his words.

“I’m looking into adoption.” Jisung said, mostly just to make an impact on Felix. He wanted him to know how hard it was for him just to survive every day. The lengths he had to go to just to keep them afloat.

Felix stared at him for a long time, lost for words.

“Why… why now?” Felix asked softly. “Why not when he was a baby and you had to live on my couch?”

“Because I was stupid then.” Jisung spat out. “I didn’t know that there’s more to a kid’s life then just food and a place to sleep.”

“How can you even say that?” Felix’s voice wavered.

“You’ll never understand.” Jisung crossed his arms tightly over his chest. “You don’t know what it’s like to have a kid. To want the best for him.”

Felix sat on the couch, staring straight ahead like he was shocked.

“If you need help, I can help you.” he said hollowly. “Whatever you need I’ll do it.”

“Can you find me a mother for Jeongin?” Jisung’s anger bled out of him slowly. “There are things you can’t produce with just money. He needs a real family.”

“We are a real family.”

Jisung’s heart ached hearing Felix include himself in the equation.

“You can’t give him away to some- some stranger.” Felix looked up at Jisung and he was shocked to see his eyes shimmer with tears.

“It might be what he needs.” Jisung replied, not feeling sure of himself.

“He’s mine too you know.” Felix brushed away a tear that slid down his chin. “You can’t make a decision without me.”

Jisung didn’t argue. Some part of it was true. Felix was the only one who had stuck by the both of them. He had been there for them in so many ways.

“I’m still just thinking about it.” Jisung said quietly, gingerly sitting next to Felix.

“I would take him.” Felix’s voice trembled. “If you give him to anyone, give him to me.”

Jisung looked at him sadly. If he did then Felix would be dragged down to where Jisung was in less than a year.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung whispered.

“Why are you always sorry?” Felix shook his head vigorously. “It’s not your fault the universe is against you!”

Jisung sighed and let his head rest on Felix’s shoulder. Felix leaned back into him.

“I promise I won’t do anything without you.” Jisung promised.

“Okay.” Felix nodded, linking his pinky with Jisung’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to know your theories for the next chapters!! There are hints if you look at the tags for the story...


	6. Chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! A bit of a short chapter, but very important! Hope you are all doing lovely!

Chan wouldn’t lie to Jisung. He wasn’t able to comfort him about his decision because Chan just couldn’t find the words. But he supported him. Even though it was a painful choice, Chan saw the motivation behind it and he respected it.

Jeongin needed more than just getting by in school and having Chan help him. He needed more than the limited time Jisung could spare him. He needed more of almost everything. Chan believed Jeongin deserved to have a family that could provide all of those things.

But it didn’t change the fact that Jisung was broken over it and it hurt Chan immensely. He seemed more lost as he pursued his options more seriously.

His biggest question was who.

“How do I find someone I trust?” Jisung asked him as he watched Chan finish cleaning the dishes. Jisung had another late shift and Jeongin was already in bed.

“I guess you just have to meet a lot of people.” Chan shrugged.

“I can’t imagine having to go through that.” Jisung sighed, moving to dry the dishes Chan set aside.

“Once you find someone you like you can exclusively pursue them.” Chan replied.

“Felix offered to take him. I wish it was that simple.” Jisung sighed. “I wish there was someone I really knew beforehand.”

“Mm… it’s tough.” Chan sympathized.

He felt bad for Jisung. He really did. Some nights he lay awake thinking about him and Jeongin. Sunhee was gracious but she knew he was struggling through it as well.

They slowly began to fall back into their old routines. She had always been more of a go-getter. She was an extrovert and consistently had some project or activity going. Though she was still grieving, things felt almost normal around her. It was the healing Chan needed.

One night she asked him to watch a movie with her. They used to have movie night every weekend but hadn’t in months. The last movie night they had was the one of the last nights Seungmin got to stay home before he spent the last months in the hospital.

_“Are you comfy?” Sunhee asked Seungmin as he lay on the couch next to Chan, his head tucked under his chin._

_“Mm hm!” Seungmin replied._

_Chan gently tucked him closer, savoring his warmth, his softness, the way he melted against Chan easily. He wasn’t always cuddly, but when he was, Chan soaked it all up._

_Seungmin really didn’t know. He didn’t know Chan and Sunhee would have to take him for his first round of chemotherapy in the morning. He barely even really knew he was sick._

_How are you supposed to tell a child they are dying? How do you tell a child that the painful treatments are to hopefully target the slim chance? How do you maximize the time you have?_

_Chan was utterly lost. All he could do was hold Seungmin close, wishing he could draw the pain into his own body._

_“I love you daddy.”_

_Seungmin mumbled as Chan carried him upstairs and lay him in bed._

_“I love you too puppy.” Chan kissed his forehead. “I love you more than the whole universe.”_

When Sunhee fit herself into the space next to Chan it felt comfortable. She lay next to him on the couch, shifted down so he could still see. He draped his arm over her waist, feeling at peace for the first time in a while.

He almost fell asleep lying there with her with the soft noise of the TV in the background.

“I love you.”

The three words spoken into the space they occupied felt like a physical manifestation of the space yet to be bridged between them.

Chan rubbed his thumb back and forth over Sunhee’s shoulder, acknowledging her words but not really accepting the sincerity. It had been so long of speaking the same sentiments without the emotions behind them. It was just a way of reminder that the feelings should exist.

They didn’t move for a few moments, the silence covering them like a blanket again.

Sunhee shifted her head slightly and her shoulder tensed under Chan’s hand.

“Chan.” she said.

“Mm.” he hummed back, letting out a tired breath and rubbing his hand over his eyes.

She pushed herself up from where they were laying into a sitting position and looked at him. He blinked in confusion and tilted his head to look at her.

She stared at him for a long moment with an expression he couldn’t read. Slowly she leaned back down, her forearm holding her up from returning to her position. She kissed him softly, lingering for a moment.

Chan watched her as she pulled back. Something felt different. It wasn’t the quick kiss she sometimes gave him before she left for work, or the one she offered when he had a long day. It didn’t feel like the obligatory brief movement against him that always left him feeling like he was chasing something.

She dipped down again and pressed her lips against his more firmly, nudging his head back against the pillows. Her hand traveled from his hip, up his side, to rest over his heart.

He let his eyes flutter closed, reciprocating hesitantly, unsure when she would pull back and escape upstairs. Instead, she deepened the kiss until they had to separate to catch a breath. He allowed himself to trace over her face, just a breath away from his.

“I love you.” she repeated in a whisper, her eyes searching his.

He gazed back at her in turn, trying to read if she meant it. Her dark eyes struck him with the amount of love and concern they held. He swallowed, feeling overwhelmed.

“I’m sorry.” she whispered and leaned down again, capturing his lips in another kiss. It hurt in the best way. His chest ached and his eyes felt heavy with tears.

One hand slowly brushed her hip and he tilted his head to press his lips back against hers with the same level of passion she gave him. He didn’t notice the tears that slipped down his cheeks until her thumb came between them to brush them away.

“I never gave you what you gave me.” she whispered against him.

Chan pushed his hand gently through her hair from the side, holding her gently in place as he looked at her.

“I don’t need any of that.” he whispered; his voice thick. “I just need you.”

“I never stopped loving you.” she leaned into his touch. “I just stopped being able to feel.”

“I was never angry at you.” he replied. “I just stopped being able to be happy.”

“Are you happy now?” her almond brown eyes met his with unhidden emotion. “Are you happy with me?”

“No.” Chan shook his head and let his hand fall from her hair.

He pressed his hand against the small of her back instead and pulled her close until their noses brushed slightly.

“I’m in love with you.” Chan breathed, closing the gap between them and engraving the feeling of her against him into his mind.

Even if there had been words thrown like daggers between them, or silence built like a wall, nothing could change the love that pulled them together over and over again. It was a pull stronger than anything intending to break or destroy.

Chan planned the next date. He called it a date because they hadn’t formally done anything in literally ages. He took her hiking. One of her favorite things to do.

He planned everything out in order to give her an amazing time. He even packed lunch for them to have on the trail.

“Wow, you really worked hard on this.” she sounded impressed as he handed her a sandwich he made.

“Only for you.” Chan smiled.

The cheesy flirting, the light atmosphere, the beautiful surrounding all made it feel like they were back before anything was broken, or sad, or hurt. It was just the two of them in their own world.

“I like doing things with you.” Chan said more seriously, looking at her with sincere eyes. “I miss this.”

“Me too.” Sunhee whispered. “It’s nice to have things feel happy and normal.”

“We could keep doing these things.” Chan suggested. “We could date again.”

“And do you plan on proposing again too?” she quirked her eyebrow.

“I don’t know.” Chan made a sad face. “I’m already married.”

“So am I.” she shook her head with a sigh. “And he’s such a treasure too. Sweet and smart and funny…”

“Is that so?” Chan tilted his head.

“Yep.” she smiled, her hand coming up to frame his jaw. “Handsome and hardworking too.”

“Sounds hard to beat.” Chan smiled into the kiss he pressed into gently. Sunhee also smiled against him, her other hand holding onto his arm as he held them together.

The only sound was the wind rustling the leaves softly as they grew bolder, exploring each other’s emotions through the way their lips slipped together.

“Will you tell me?” Chan whispered in the slight space between them as they took a breath.

“Tell you what?” Sunhee kissed his nose and his forehead.

Chan stayed quiet, closing his eyes and letting her tangle her fingers into his hair. It took a moment but she realized what he was searching for.

“I love you.” she said.

Her fingertips brushed from his forehead to his jaw.

“I love you so much.”

It was all Chan needed to hear. If he had doubted even for a moment before, he felt sure now. He only ever wanted them to be together even in the face of the tragedy they had faced.

“I love you too.” Chan opened his eyes and smiled brightly, kissing her short and sweet on the lips.

“You’re so beautiful.” he traced over her features, holding her by the waist, his thumbs gently brushing over her hips.

“You too.” she smiled and leaned her forehead against his.

Chan loved Sunhee. He never stopped even after everything they went through. He would surmount every obstacle for her, no matter how high.

He would even venture into Seungmin’s room. They finally decided to remodel it. Finally clear away some painful memories to leave space for the good ones.

While they cleaned and organized, they talked. Chan suspected it was because Sunhee needed some distraction. Seeing her fold Seungmin’s clothes hurt a lot. So he kept her talking, needing the distraction as well.

_“It’s okay, I’m right here.” Chan wasn’t sure how to comfort Seungmin. It felt like nothing he did could ease the pain he had to go through._

_“All done.” the nurse drew away from Seungmin and smiled at him. Chan tried to do the same, shifting closer and holding his hand._

_“Until he recovers from the infection, we’ll let only close family members visit him.” the nurse explained. “Just to be safe.”_

_Chan wanted to scream that the infection was from the chemotherapy depleting Seungmin’s immune system. How was it fair to do that to a young child? Instead he nodded, knowing it was all for the best outcome for Seungmin._

_“Hey bud, I’m going to stay with you tonight while mommy goes home and gets some rest, okay?” he gently brushed Seungmin’s hair back from his forehead._

_Seungmin just nodded. He was so tired all the time, his fatigue showed in his droopy eyes and lackluster smile._

_“Do you want to watch puppies on my phone?” Chan asked._

_Seungmin nodded again. The hospital had comfort dogs that visited every so often. Seungmin had been visited by one a few days ago and it made his week. He was so excited, talking about the dog long after he had left._

_Now he lay quietly. Chan leaned against the bed next to him, holding his phone so Seungmin could see the puppies._

_“Can I get a puppy when we go home?” Seungmin asked softly._

_“Yes. You can get a puppy.” Chan agreed immediately. He would do anything for Seungmin in the moment. Even if he told him he wanted a whole litter of puppies._

_“I’ll take good care of them.” Seungmin murmured, his eyes slipping shut._

_Chan spent the night unable to sleep, pacing the room anxiously. He was determined to get a puppy for Seungmin._

“His favorite.” Sunhee held up Seungmin’s plush puppy toy.

Chan took it in his hand, looking at it affectionately. It was one item they couldn’t pack away.

“Have you ever thought about having another kid?” Sunhee asked out of the blue.

“I-I haven’t.” Chan shrugged. “Why?”

“I was just thinking. I would hate for this space to go to waste.” she ran her fingers over the top of his dresser.

Chan was very surprised. He hadn’t expected that from her at all.

“It would be nice to have a little one around.” she said softly, looking down.

Chan came and sat next to her on the floor.

“Have you thought about it?” he reversed the question on her.

“A little bit.” she nodded shyly. “Maybe a lot. Seeing Jeongin made me want that again.”

Chan nodded. He could understand.

“Would you ever think about having another baby?” she asked, her face barely veiling hope. “We could have our own or… adopt?”

He didn’t answer for a long moment, avoiding her gaze.

“I don’t think so.” he finally replied quietly. “I don’t think I could ever take that risk again.”

It was awkward and messy the way Sunhee looked away, something like disappointment in her face.

“I’ll bring Jeongin over more so you can have a kid in the house.” Chan leaned forward and pressed a kiss to her head before standing.

He fondled the ear of the puppy plushie on the bed. It was too big of a risk.

_“It’s a puppy for my son.” Chan explained. “Do you have any?”_

_“We have a few.” The man working at the pet store motioned him back._

_It took Chan half an hour to pick one out. A pure white puppy, a little energetic but mostly calm and sweet._

_“Can I pick her up tomorrow?” Chan asked._

_“Of course.” The man nodded. “I’ll just ask you for your information.”_

_As Chan was filling out the information sheet, his phone rang._

_“One moment.” he apologized and stepped away from the counter._

_Chan knew deep down that the day was coming. He knew that even if he got a puppy for Seungmin, it would only be for a short amount of time. He just wasn’t ready when the time came._

_He raced to his car after getting the call from Hyunjin, heading to the hospital. Seungmin needed him there._

Sunhee brought up the topic of having a kid a week later when Chan hugged her as she made dinner.

“I want to try again.” her eyes were soft and unsure, watching him closely.

Chan returned her gaze, not sure what she was asking.

“I want to hold a baby again.” she whispered. “I want to wake up to another little person sharing our bed. I want you to get to be a dad again.”

Chan couldn’t process her words. He pulled back slightly, running his eyes over her face over and over.

“I don’t know if you’ll ever want that again.” she admitted worriedly. “But I do. And… I needed to tell you.”

Chan took a slow breath and bit his lip. He could see she was testing him. Feeling out if that was something he wanted or had thought about. He had thought about it a few times since she had first brought it up but mostly tried to push it out of his mind.

“I didn’t want to bring it up again.” she folded her arms around herself. “I was just… curious.”

“I don’t think I can have a kid again.” Chan responded softly. “I’m not able to go through any of that again.”

Sunhee’s eyes watched his closely.

“I didn’t expect you would say that.” she answered honestly. “I-I guess I was wrong.”

“You thought I would want to have a kid?” he stepped farther back, his arms sliding from her waist.

“You were always better at being a parent.” she shrugged awkwardly. “I thought it was something you would be missing. That you wanted.”

“I miss Seungmin yes.” Chan nodded. “But I won’t have the space in my heart for another kid.”

She nodded, accepting his sentiment without putting up a fight. It strangely felt as if another difference had been wedged between them.


	7. Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope everyone is doing well! We are coming up on the end of this series already! Hopefully you all enjoy it! I do write other stories if you are interested! I suggest reading this chapter before bed! I know it sounds weird but I wrote it late at night with just my twinkle lights on and it was really nice!

“It’s not a day for school.” Jeongin voiced his confusion as Jisung helped him get dressed for the day.

“You’re right. Good job.” Jisung praised him for remembering the days. “We’re going to meet some new friends today.”

“New friends?” Jeongin held onto Jisung’s shoulder while he helped put his shoe on.

“Yep. We’re going to lunch and then dessert after…” Jisung was honestly glad Jeongin couldn’t see his facial expressions. He kept his tone light but he couldn’t will a smile onto his face.

“Yay!” Jeongin replied excitedly. “I want to get dessert!”

“Uh huh.” Jisung grabbed his wallet and keys and took Jeongin’s hand to lead him out the door. He felt like each step he took made his heart sink lower and lower.

He had been through hundreds of profiles. He had scoured the biographies of the potential parents and finally decided he just had to pick one to try out. The woman aiding in their adoption helped him set up a meeting with the prospective adoptive parents.

They were going to meet at a burger place that had nice outdoor seating but good prices. Jisung had offered to pay for their meal and dessert so he chose somewhere that was acceptable but cheap.

When he parked the car his heart started racing and he felt shaky. His fingers trembled as he unbuckled Jeongin’s seatbelt. He didn’t speak as he grabbed Jeongin’s backpack of things to keep him occupied with one hand and grabbed his small hand with the other.

His heart squeezed in his chest when he saw the couple standing by the entrance. The woman was petite and beautiful, wearing a long summer dress. She had her hand clasped in the grip of her husband who was also dressed nicely in a button-down shirt and jeans that looked fresh and crisp on him.

Jisung’s steps faltered as they drew close but the couple spotted them before he could do something crazy like run away. He gripped Jeongin’s hand a little tighter as he came to greet them.

“Hello!” The man was first to speak, extending his hand for Jisung to shake with a smile on his face. Jisung faltered for a moment, recognition flitting over the man’s features. He vaguely remembered the man from the time he had been short of cash at the grocery store.

Jisung shook his hand first and bowed to the woman. The man didn’t say anything, only smiled kindly. He was the man who had helped Jisung out that one time.

“Thank you for meeting me.” Jisung hated how weak his voice sounded. “I-it’s nice to meet you.”

Their eyes shifted to Jeongin and Jisung realized the moment of introduction was going to happen. It made him swallow hard but he knew it had to be done.

“I assume you know Jeongin is blind based on our profile…” Jisung started awkwardly. He placed one hand on top of Jeongin’s head. He was looking down towards the ground.

“It’s up to you how you want to greet him but… he may want to touch you.” Jisung told them. They were both looking at Jeongin with soft smiles on their faces.

The husband crouched in front of Jeongin first, his smile widening. Jisung sunk down too and tilted Jeongin’s head up to be looking back at the man.

“Hello kiddo.” He took Jeongin’s hand and shook it. “I’m Changbin! It’s nice to meet you!”

Jeongin smiled shyly and shook his hand back.

“Um, would you…” Jisung gestured vaguely between them, asking if he wanted Jeongin to “see” him with his hands.

“Of course.” Changbin shifted forward a bit more and Jisung guided Jeongin’s hands to touch his face. He brushed his fingertips lightly over Changbin’s face, the older man closing his eyes as Jeongin passed over them.

Watching Jeongin meet the people who may be his family in the future made a lump form in Jisung’s throat. When Jeongin let his hands fall, Changbin brushed one finger from Jeongin’s forehead, over his nose and tapped the end of it. Jeongin giggled and reached out to do the same back to him.

The woman went next, being gentle as she placed Jeongin’s hands on her face.

“Hi love. My name is Yuki.” She introduced herself.

Jisung recaptured Jeongin’s hand in his own once they both stood again. They were seated at a table outside. Jisung was still struggling to speak past the emotion clogging his chest so he focused on getting Jeongin settled first.

He pulled some magnetic blocks from his bag that Jeongin liked to make shapes out of. Jeongin sat next to him with Yuki next to him and Changbin on Jisung’s other side.

Jisung hesitated and then offered the blocks to Yuki so she could play with Jeongin. She accepted them with a huge smile on her face.

“You were right. He really is the cutest thing I’ve ever set eyes on.” Changbin chuckled to Jisung.

“Yeah he’s a cutie.” Jisung smiled, his shoulders losing their tension a little. “I hope you don’t mind but… I haven’t told him why we’re meeting yet.”

“I totally understand.” Changbin smiled at him. “We won’t say anything.”

“Thank you.” Jisung watched Jeongin playing with Yuki. “But um, I guess I would like to hear a bit more about you…”

“Yeah, we didn’t get to put much on our profile.” Changbin turned to face him more. “We decided to look into adoption a year ago.”

He spoke quietly enough so Jeongin wouldn’t hear him.

“My wife and I actually can’t have children. We tried for a while but…it’s not an option so we took some time and then decided to adopt.” Changbin smiled. “We were originally only going to do a closed adoption but we couldn’t find anyone near us or that seemed right. But when we came upon your profile, we decided to go for it.”

“Thank you for being willing to go through with an open adoption if that’s what ends up taking place.” Jisung inclined his head slightly. “I can’t do a full separation. My circumstances are related to his quality of life, not my level of care or love for him.”

“I understand completely.” Changbin replied kindly.

“Jeongin being blind may pose some… complications.” Jisung glanced at him again. “I’m not sure how much experience you have with someone who is blind or visually impaired.”

“Not much to be honest.” Changbin rubbed the back of his neck. “But my wife already signed us up for some courses that teach more about the impairment and how to create a well-functioning environment.”

“That’s also one of the reasons we are willing to do an open adoption.” Changbin continued. “I’m sure you have insight we don’t have. In the end, you know him best and we want to do the best for him that we possibly can.”

“I’m glad you’re taking this seriously.” Jisung spoke candidly. “There are many things I worry about, but it all comes down to if you are willing to help him grow so that he’s able to function well in society. There’s no reason he can’t achieve anything he wants if he’s given the tools to succeed.”

“My thoughts exactly.” Changbin nodded. “I look forward to hopefully meeting regularly with you before the final process to get some more insight.”

Jisung wavered at the mention of the final adoption but he reminded himself that was the goal.

“Daddy!” Jeongin held up his creation out of blocks for Jisung to see.

“Very good honey!” Jisung praised him.

It felt wrong to be sitting there with complete strangers who wanted to…take Jeongin. Jisung kept a smile on his face and stayed professional but inside his stomach churned and his heart fluttered anxiously.

He knew how it looked to Changbin and Yuki. He was just a young man, with a kid. Far too young to be a real father. The doubts he tried to push down swarmed him again as he remembered how Changbin had to pay for his groceries before. Luckily, Changbin didn’t say anything but it still hung between them.

Towards the end of the meeting, Changbin drew him aside gently.

“I know this is only the first meeting we’ve had.” he started. “If you would continue to consider us as one of your options, I would be grateful. Jeongin is a sweet child and we would be more than happy to adopt him.”

Jisung stared at him for a long moment, feeling like a step had been leapt over.

“I know it will take more time to make a decision.” Changbin smiled. “But keep in mind that we would love to have Jeongin join our family.”

“Of course.” Jisung didn’t know what else to say. “I’ll be in contact.”

Jeongin seemed comfortable with the two of them. He enjoyed playing and talking with the two of them. He was an outgoing kid in general, but he seemed to connect well with Changbin and Yuki.

It was the strangest feeling. Jisung couldn’t even get a good handle on how he was feeling because his mind was processing slower than usual. It didn’t feel real that he was meeting people to evaluate them in a way to be Jeongin’s parents. Jisung had imagined what Jeongin’s life would be like if he had different parents many times but never put an actual face and name in that position.

Jisung was silent driving home. Jeongin chattered happily behind him but it felt like a heavy weight had settled down over Jisung. Was he really considering this? He asked himself over and over in his head.

“Maybe I’m not ready.” Jisung whispered to himself as he got changed into lounge clothes once they were home.

Logically Jisung knew what he wanted for Jeongin and emotionally he had an idea of how dedicated he was, but actually following through was a different story completely. It almost felt selfish for him to want to keep Jeongin.

He had been told over and over how selfish and incapable he was. He knew deep down in his heart. The words told to him in the past sat heavily on his shoulders as he padded around the small apartment in his socks.

It was getting cold and he avoided running the heater, bundling up Jeongin and himself to preserve heat and save money. He wondered if Changbin’s house was always warm, even in the winter. Surely the heating bill wasn’t even a concern for him.

“Do you want to sleep in my bed tonight?” Jisung asked Jeongin as he came into the kitchen, yawning sleepily. It was a treat for Jeongin to sleep in Jisung’s bed.

Jeongin nodded, putting out his bottom lip a little, just to get Jisung to pick him up. Jisung was feeling particularly emotional in the moment. It was strange. Like he couldn’t cry but his chest ached and he felt so sad.

“Do you want me to read you a book?” Jisung lifted Jeongin into his arms.

“Can you tell me a story?” Jeongin lay his head on Jisung’s shoulder. Jisung smiled at his comfortable weight.

“Sure I can.” Jisung carried him to his bedroom. Jisung loved thinking of little stories for Jeongin. It must be his writers’ brain. Many times he told stories that slipped in hidden messages he hoped Jeongin held onto.

He took his time getting Jeongin settled in his bed. He felt like being especially gentle and affectionate that night. Jeongin lay next to him, one of his hands pillowing his cheek. Jisung took a while looking at him.

Jisung always thought he looked younger than he really was. He had such a small button nose and pretty eyelashes that brushed his cheeks when his eyes were closed. Jisung gently tucked his soft hair behind his ear. He was the most beautiful baby in his eyes.

“My story.” Jeongin whispered, his hand reaching out and pressing against Jisung’s chest, right over his heart.

That’s right, Jisung thought. He was the only one with the keys to Jisung’s heart. His heart belonged to Jeongin alone.

Jisung covered Jeongin’s small hand with his own, slipping his thumb into his palm like he did when he was a baby.

“I really love you baby.” Jisung said softly, looking at him lovingly. “I love you the most.”

“Me too.” Jeongin replied sleepily.

Jisung smiled and shifted forward slightly to press a kiss to Jeongin’s forehead.

“You’ll remember tonight, right?” Jisung asked, his heart needing the comfort that Jeongin would be able to hold onto their memories.

Jeongin nodded, snuggling closer against him.

“Okay, your story...” Jisung tucked his hand under Jeongin’s back to cradle him close.

Jeongin wiggled around to get comfortable, his hand reaching up to touch Jisung’s earlobe softly. Jisung smiled at the familiar habit. He was happy.

The heavy feeling faded a bit the next morning and life was back in full force. He had an incredibly long shift which really wore him out.

“I’m home.” Jisung called tiredly, slipping his shoes off at the door.

He shuffled into the living room where he expected Chan and Jeongin to be. To his mild surprise, Felix was there too.

“Oh hey.” he sighed. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”

Felix was sitting next to Jeongin who was playing with blocks, Chan on the couch next to them. Chan looked back at Jisung, his expression serious.

Jisung frowned before Felix raised his head, tears freely streaming down his face. Jisung’s heart dropped.

“Why don’t you two take some time together.” Chan said softly, standing. “I’ll take care of Jeongin.

Felix gently rubbed his hand up and down Jeongin’s back, watching him play. He rose when Jisung motioned for him to follow him. Jisung retreated into his bedroom. Felix sat on his bed staring at his hands. They both waited until they heard Chan and Jeongin leave the apartment.

“What’s going on?” Jisung was afraid to ask.

“You told me you wouldn’t make a decision without me.” Felix whispered, his tears continuing.

“What are you talking about?” Jisung swiveled his chair and sat in front of him.

“My friend showed me pictures today.” Felix wiped his nose with a tissue from his bedside table. “Pictures of Jeongin.”

Jisung frowned, taking a minute to process.

“You know Changbin.” he said softly.

“Yes.” Felix nodded. “He told me you’re meeting with him to adopt Jeongin.”

“Felix- It’s not what it seems like.” Jisung spoke carefully. “I only didn’t tell you because I wanted to be sure first. I had no idea what it would be like going into the first meeting.”

“I don’t care about any of that.” Felix scrunched his face up, trying not to cry. “I’m just not ready to say goodbye.”

His words made Jisung’s heart lurch painfully. The word goodbye was one he avoided at all costs.

“I’m not saying goodbye yet.” Jisung responded.

“It comes faster than you think.” Felix’s chest stuttered with tearful breaths. “He’ll be gone soon.”

“Don’t say that.” Jisung felt like it hurt to say, the words barely getting past the tightness in his throat.

“Can I stay with you tonight?” Felix asked. “I just want to be with him for a little while.”

“Of course.” Jisung nodded.

When Jeongin came back, Felix wrapped him up in a long hug. They put on a movie and Jisung transferred Jeongin to Felix’s lap so they could cuddle. Felix kept pressing soft kisses to Jeongin’s face and head.

When Chan moved to leave, Jisung caught his wrist, silently asking him to stay. Chan nodded, sitting back next to Jisung.

Jisung forced himself not to cry. Tonight was about Felix. But he felt like he was drowning. He stepped outside of the apartment, holding his phone in shaking hands. He was supposed to call Changbin to set up another meeting but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He walked back and forth, shivering in the cold.

Chan came out after some time, handing him a coat. Jisung wanted to say something but he couldn’t. Chan stood quietly, waiting for him.

Finally, Jisung dialed the number and held the phone to his ear.

“Let’s meet on the weekend.” he finished the call.

Chan watched him; his hands shoved in his pockets to stay warm.

“The first time is the hardest. right?” Jisung laughed but he was close to crying. “It won’t be so hard after this, yeah?”

It was true and false. Jisung felt worse driving Jeongin to Changbin and Yuki’s house the second time. He felt more comfortable with the couple. They didn’t feel so much like strangers but he was still guilty that he was pursuing them with the purpose to give Jeongin away.

He felt uncomfortable sitting at their table, watching Jeongin chatter away with them happily as he played. At least Jeongin liked them.

“Lunch is ready!” Yuki set down a plate of sandwiches in the middle of the table.

Jisung couldn’t help but notice that she had cut the crusts off. It seemed like a waste to him but then again, for most people they didn’t have to worry about maximizing food.

Jeongin slid his hand over the table, searching for the plate. Changbin caught on quickly and placed one in his hand. Jisung felt his heart squeeze seeing the fond smile Changbin directed towards him. He looked away so he didn’t have to see it.

Jisung struggled to walk through the various steps necessary. Jeongin begun trying to feel his way around their house, already learning the layout. Jisung bit his thumb as Jeongin explored the room with Changbin. He had no idea what he was doing really. He didn’t know his new friends would soon be his new parents.

Jisung excused himself and went outside, taking a deep breath of fresh air to clear his head. He sat down on the steps of the porch, admiring the pretty neighborhood. A few minutes later, Changbin joined him, sitting next to him after he asked permission.

“Thanks for bringing Jeongin over today.” Changbin broke the silence.

“Mm hm.” Jisung didn’t look at him.

“I uh… I don’t want to be intrusive but, I was wondering if I could know a little bit about Jeongin’s past.” Changbin asked hesitantly.

“Oh yeah… uh my girlfriend got pregnant freshman year of college.” Jisung’s throat felt dry having to tell the story. “She left not too long after Jeongin was born so… I’ve been on my own.”

“I do my very best.” Jisung felt the need to justify himself. “I can’t afford some of the more expensive resources but he does have a teacher that helps him. I try to take him out when I can… Of course I make sure he’s always well fed and gets good rest.”

“No need to explain to me.” Changbin smiled. “It’s obvious you take very good care of him.”

“It is?” Jisung looked at him in confusion.

“I can’t imagine how hard it was to raise him, especially having to adjust your lifestyle to him being blind.” Changbin nodded. “But he seems to be doing exceptionally well.”

“Thank you.” Jisung said softly. He had never really had someone compliment his parenting.

“I know you’re in the process of making a hard decision.” Changbin said slowly. “But if you need anything, I’m here. You can always run things by me if you’re torn.”

Jisung stared at Changbin for a moment, a bit shocked at how kind and considerate he was.

“Thank you.” Jisung said again, sincerely meaning it.

“No problem.” Changbin smiled and then looked out across the street.

The sat for a few moments in silence. Jisung felt his heart slowly calming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is where I get worried you will be very disappointed with this story! Hopefully it's okay!! >.< I try my very best writing it! <3


	8. Chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone! Sorry this is a bit late! I got caught up in school work! This is the chapter before the last two chapters! I hope it's fun to read! I originally was going to have this only be 8 chapters but I decided having two more chapters did it better justice. Enjoy!

Saturday was the hardest day of Chan’s life. The anniversary of Seungmin’s passing. Chan really didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t ignore it but there was nothing to celebrate or do. It was just a dark day.

When he woke up, Sunhee was cuddled in his arms. He knew she was awake from her fingers circling on his back lightly. Chan didn’t know how she would take it. Should he talk about it? Should he ignore it?

“Today let’s just stay together.” Sunhee mumbled against his chest.

Chan nodded, already feeling to empty to search for words.

They stayed in bed until almost noon, dozing a bit, talking about other things. It was actually nice to spend time doing nothing together.

Everything felt dark and heavy even though the sun shone persistently outside.

“Can we talk about him?” Sunhee whispered, adjusting her head on the pillow.

“Do you want to?” Chan was hesitant.

“We haven’t talked about him since then.” she nodded. “I- I guess I miss it.”

“Okay.” Chan agreed though he didn’t want to.

“Do you remember…” Sunhee smiled. “He had that little blue jumper and not even two days after I bought it for him, he had torn it.”

Chan smiled gently. Of course he remembered.

“He also had those light up sneakers he wanted to wear everywhere we went.” she laughed lightly.

“Those were pretty fun…” Chan thought to where they were packed away in a bin.

“Do you ever think about what he’s doing?” Sunhee’s voice became more serious.

“What?” Chan was confused.

“What he’s doing in heaven.” she clarified.

Chan hadn’t really thought about it that much. He didn’t want to go anywhere near those thoughts but when he thought for a moment he smiled.

“He has a little puppy.” Chan said. “One that follows him everywhere. And he never has to worry about if his jumper gets grass stains. He can catch bugs and collect rocks all he wants.”

Sunhee watched him, hanging on his words.

“He’s not in pain anymore.” Chan said softly. “He’s happy, always.”

Sunhee pulled herself close, pressing her face to his chest. Chan wrapped his arm back around her.

“He’s alright.” Chan promised her.

The day after was just as hard but Chan had to drag himself up and out the door. A familiar needy feeling settled in his heart when Jeongin opened the door for him.

He scooped him up into his arms, even if he was a little squirmy. It was comfortable to have a little person in his arms, bright and innocent.

“Where’s your daddy?” Chan asked Jeongin, daring to kiss his cheek.

“Over there.” Jeongin pointed to the room, door closed.

“I’ll be right back.” Chan set him down and headed to Jisung’s room.

He knocked lightly, waiting for Jisung to invite him in before opening the door. He was surprised to find Jisung sitting on the floor, surrounded by sheets of paper, a pen in between his fingers.

“Hey, just letting you know I’m here.” he made his presence known.

“Uh huh.” Jisung didn’t look up at him, shifting some papers.

“I thought you had work today.” Chan frowned.

“I’m at work.” Jisung responded.

“I mean, I just thought you wouldn’t need me if you were home.” Chan shrugged, a little confused.

“I just thought it would be nice.” Jisung replied, his voice a little strange as he bit the end of his pen in thought. “For me… and you.”

Chan understood what he was hinting at. He needed some company after the emotional weight of Seungmin from the day before. Jeongin could heal some of the wounds.

“Thanks.” Chan smiled. “I’m… really thankful.”

“Uh huh.” Jisung didn’t look up but he smiled a bit.

Chan closed the door gently, giving him some privacy.

When he came back to the living room, Jeongin was on his hands and knees, searching around for one of the connector blocks he was missing. Chan picked it up from where it had strayed to the edge of the couch and placed it in his hand.

“Thank you.” Jeongin added it to his creation and then ran his hands over it to feel how he did.

“You should be an architect Jeongin.” Chan pet his hair. “Your mind is amazing.”

His creation was perfectly symmetrical even though the colors were mismatched.

“Can we do something fun?” Jeongin asked, crawling into Chan’s lap and grabbing his hand to play with his fingers.

“Hmm… what should we do?” Chan contemplated for a minute.

“Can we make cookies?” Jeongin perked up. “I want to make them for daddy.”

‘That sounds like a really good idea.” Chan agreed.

They made simple three ingredient peanut butter cookies. Jeongin had a blast. Laughing so hard he almost fell off of his stool. Chan caught him and dotted his nose with peanut butter, making him squeal.

Chan had to stop Jeongin from touching the hot oven with his hand when he trailed his hand along the cabinets to feel his way. He would have to teach him to watch out for hot surfaces.

“This one is for daddy.” Jeongin carefully cradled a cookie in a napkin, still warm even though they had let them cool.

Chan helped guide him to Jisung’s room. He raised his hand to knock but Jeongin beat him to it, kicking the door twice and making Chan wince but chuckle.

Jisung didn’t get angry at Jeongin when his little feet walked over his paper. At least he had socks on. Jeongin handed him his cookie and then sat in his lap, waiting to hear his review. Chan leaned his shoulder against the doorframe and watched them.

They had such a simple, happy love. He was glad he got to be with them and share in the sweet moments.

Jeongin fed one bite to Jeongin and one bite to himself until they had finished it all. He pressed kisses all over Jeongin’s face after.

“Thanks honey.” he hugged Jeongin close. “It was so sweet. Like you!”

Jeongin accepted his affection for a bit and then ran off.

Chan turned to follow him but Jisung spoke up.

“Once you put him to bed, will you talk to me for a bit?” he asked.

Chan really didn’t expect much as he helped Jeongin brush his teeth and tucked him into bed, giving him another kiss on his forehead.

When he returned to Jisung, the papers had been cleared off of the floor. Jisung sat on his bed. He gave Chan a little smile when he closed the door and sat on the bed across from him.

“What’s up?” Chan asked.

“I just wanted to fill you in on some things that have been going on.” Jisung’s smile faded a bit and he wrapped his arms around himself. “I’ve made some decisions.”

“Okay.” Chan nodded for him to continue.

“I wanted you to have some time with Jeongin tonight, and maybe a day to yourself later if you wanted.” Jisung said softly. “Because I found a family to adopt him.”

Chan would have thought his heart would have been shocked. Maybe he would break down. Cry or argue with him. But he just felt numb inside. It’s like Jisung’s words slipped right off of him.

“I’m sorry.” Jisung took a deep breath. “I know it feels unexpected but… I think it’s the right thing to do. He loves the family. They love him. It’s…perfect.”

It was far from perfect but Chan couldn’t say that. He could tell Jisung was struggling but holding it together bravely.

“When are you giving him away?” Chan whispered.

“I don’t know yet.” Jisung said a bit shakily. “I wanted Jeongin to spend time with them once more before I tell him everything.”

Chan stared at the blanket. Nothing had sunk in yet. It felt mechanic as he told Jisung he supported him.

“If you need anything I’m here.” he said hollowly.

“Thank you.” Jisung replied quietly. “If you want another day with him, or a few, that’s okay. But I would like to work things out in the next few weeks.”

“I understand.” Chan nodded.

“You’ll still be his teacher for the rest of the year.” Jisung tried to stay positive. “You’ll see him almost every day.

“I know.” Chan smiled but it was forced. “Thanks for letting me know.”

“Of course.” Jisung tilted his head slightly. “A-are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Chan acted perfectly. “I’m sad but that’s to be expected. I’m glad you feel peace about it.”

“Thanks for everything you’ve done for me.” Jisung moved his hand like he wanted to touch him but pulled back. “We’ll still be friends, right?”

“Yeah, we’ll be friends.” Chan promised.

It was strange. Cold and numb inside. There was no way Jisung and Jeongin wouldn’t be together. They came as a pair. Jisung and his mini. Jisung and his sweet boy he loved so much. They would be separate.

When Chan got home, he hung his head over the toilet, feeling overwhelmingly nauseous.

“Hey… are you feeling sick?” Sunhee found him, putting her hand on his back.

“I don’t know.” Chan whispered back. “Maybe in my heart.”

Sunhee crouched down next to him, wrapping her arms around his waist. After a while, she was able to bring him to bed, slipping in next to him, offering her grounding presence.

The next day he had an unexpected but welcome visitor.

“Hyunjin is here to see you.” Sunhee smoothed his hair back from his forehead gently and kissed him. “I’ll talk with him until you get ready.”

Well, that was good enough reason to get Chan out of bed. He tried to splash the dark circles away from his eyes with cold water. He didn’t bother to change his sweatpants and t-shirt. Hyunjin wouldn’t mind.

The hugged briefly, sitting on the couch together.

“It’s been a little while.” Hyunjin smiled at him.

“I’ve been super busy.” Chan nodded. “Honestly… I got hard news last night so I’m a bit out of it right now.”

“Oh no. Anything I can help with?” Hyunjin tucked his leg under him and frowned.

“No… Just one of my friends is giving up their son for adoption.” Chan rubbed his hand over his face.

“Oh.” Hyunjin perked up a little bit. “My wife was saying Sunhee had mentioned being interested in adoption.”

“She did?” It was new information to Chan.

“Does that come as a surprise?” Hyunjin laughed and slapped his knee lightly. “Are you two looking into adoption?”

“No we aren’t…” Chan felt a little slow in the moment. “She said that?”

“She just said it would be nice.” Hyunjin shrugged. "I was wondering about it a little bit. Are you two maybe… going to try again.”

Chan opened his mouth to say no but he hesitated. Were they really never going to have a child again? They were young. They had their life ahead of them. And they were going to spend it with no little ones running around the house.

When Jeongin was gone, Chan would have no one.

“Sorry, didn’t mean to pry into personal business.” Hyunjin waved aside his comment.

“Yes."

Chan nodded.

“Yes, we’re thinking about it. But we don’t really know at the moment.” he answered.

“You two are the best parents.” Hyunjin winked at him. “I would love to have another kiddo around.”

“Yeah… we’re considering.” Chan said a bit numbly. But it was a good numb. There was a tingle of hope at the bottom. It felt light and happy.

He couldn’t get the feeling out of his mind all day even after Hyunjin had left. He imagined a little kid running down the stairs, hanging pictures on the fridge, leaving toys on the carpet.

A whole two days passed of those thoughts swirling in his mind until he stopped and came to a realization.

“I want to have a baby.”

“Huh?” Sunhee looked up at him at the dinner table.

“I want to have a baby.” Chan repeated.

Sunhee stared at him for a moment and then laughed awkwardly.

“I mean it.” Chan blinked back at her seriously.

“I-I thought you said…” she looked stunned.

“I know. I didn’t think I could handle the hurt.” Chan replied. “But a child doesn’t need to be a hurt. They should never be a hurt.”

Sunhee smiled slowly as he spoke.

“They’re a gift. And I want to hold a precious gift again.” Chan nodded with certainty. I want us to have a baby again.”

“I do too.” Sunhee beamed at him. “I want it more than anything in the world.”

“I’m glad we’re together.” Chan was overcome with love in the moment. “I could only survive with you.”

“Same goes for you.” she nodded solemnly. “We can’t break what we have.”

“So…” Chan smiled like he had just found treasure. “Should we try?”

“Yes.” Sunhee’s smile shone bright enough to hurt. “A thousand times yes.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this one happy enough to make up for some of the sadness? We will still get sadness the next chapter but it's all for good, keep in mind! I'll have that one up as soon as I edit it. Maybe even tomorrow! Have a wonderful day/night everyone! <3


	9. Jisung

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Got this chapter up super fast! Get your tissues ready! There is a lot of crying in this chapter oops! We are at the end of Jisung and Jeongin's story! The final chapter will hop back to Chan! Enjoy!

Telling Felix was much harder than telling Chan.

Jisung knew it would be, but he didn’t expect it to escalate into a fight. They yelled at each other, not caring that Jeongin was asleep down the hall.

“I can’t say this is okay!” Felix snapped at him. “You can keep him! You can keep him even better than before! You have a home a-and food and yeah, things are hard but… Jisung please!”

“How am I supposed to manage a kid like this?!” Jisung screamed at him. “Do you think this is easy for me?!”

Felix glared at him with the most anger Jisung had ever seen in his eyes. But then again, he surely looked the same.

“You’re so selfish!” Jisung got in his face. “You think you have some right to decide what he does?!”

“Yes I do!” Felix shouted back. “I gave you a roof over your heads, I babysat him how many times? I even pitched in for his school tuition!”

“Well I’m sorry for taking advantage of you like that!” Jisung scoffed. “I’ll be sure to remember that next time you offer something to me!”

“If you give him away then I never want to see you again!” Felix finally snapped. “I’ll never forgive you!”

“You’re friends with Changbin! I’m sure you can see Jeongin whenever you want!” Jisung clenched his hands into fists. “I’m the one who will have to stick to visits and phone calls strictly!”

“Why are you doing this?!” Felix finally screamed, rendering Jisung silent at his outburst.

They both stood for a moment, chests heaving, faces flushed, visions blurred by tears.

Jisung sat down, burying his face in his hands and his elbows on the table. He was so tired of people asking him that question. He thought it was wholly unfair to make him think about it more than the hundreds of hours he already had.

Jisung was shocked when Felix’s arms wrapped around his waist, his face pressing against his side. It was a sudden burst of warmth after icy words. It broke Jisung’s heart to have Felix on his knees, hugging him in distress.

“I’m sorry I said those things.” Felix apologized with a shaky voice. “I didn’t mean them.”

Jisung swallowed hard, feeling far too fragile for his apology.

“Y-You’re doing the right thing.” Felix whispered, squeezing him a little tighter.

Jisung crossed his arms on the table and hid his face, trying not to make his crying obvious. It was another blow to his shaky confidence.

“I’m sorry.” Felix ran his hand over Jisung’s arm, trying to see his face.

Jisung could only cry.

“Please don’t cry because of me.” Felix pleaded, reaching up and tugging on his arm with more urgency.

“I’m not crying because of you.” Jisung lifted his head. “I’m crying because of me!”

Jisung dragged his sleeve over his face and looked down at Felix.

“This is all happening because I made a mistake!” Jisung sniffled. “Because I’m not good enough!”

“That’s not true!” Felix shook his head vehemently. “It’s not your fault.”

“Everything is always my fault.” Jisung murmured.

Felix blinked up at him, looking so worried that Jisung had to look away.

“Everyone has always told you that but it’s not true.” Felix wrapped his arms back around Jisung’s waist. “You’re so amazing. I-.”

“Don’t try to make me feel better.” Jisung shook his head. “I’m too tired for that.”

Felix stood and gave Jisung a real hug, cradling his head against his chest. Jisung let himself melt into his touch, slumping in his chair.

“I’m sorry for making it hurt more.” Felix said softly. “I won’t do it again.”

“Are you really going to leave me if I give him away?”

Jisung braced himself for an answer he didn’t want to hear.

“I would never leave you.” Felix said with conviction. “I love him but… I love you so much Jisung. I could never ever leave you.”

“Please don’t.” Jisung whispered, hugging him back.

“I won’t.” Felix promised.

Only the next day Jisung had to send Jeongin with Changbin and Yuki for the day. They were going to the aquarium. Then Jisung would be tasked with telling Jeongin everything.

He didn’t think Jeongin even knew about their financial situation, or what he was missing. It made everything that much harder. Jisung couldn’t sleep that night going back and forth in full force in his mind.

Twice he reached for his phone to tell Changbin the whole thing was off. But in the next hour he was determined to wrap everything up within a week. It was tearing him apart inside. He was never as confident as he appeared on the outside.

In the morning he felt sick. He worried the stress would trigger an episode because he couldn’t deal with that right now.

When he woke Jeongin up, he took extra time getting him dressed and spent almost five minutes brushing his hair, which was unnecessary. Jeongin sat on his lap, content to soak up his extra tenderness in the moment.

It was almost as if Jeongin knew what was happening. His sock clad feet pattered around behind Jisung as he prepared for Jeongin going with Changbin and Yuki to the aquarium. He held onto the bottom of Jisung’s shirt and followed him as he moved around the apartment.

“I want you to come.” Jeongin said as Jisung packed his lunch box.

It was one of the first times he would spend all day with Changbin and Yuki.

“You’re going to have so much fun honey!” Jisung said cheerfully. “There are so many cool fish and sea animals at the aquarium!”

“I want to stay with you.” Jeongin tugged on his shirt and raised his arms to be lifted up.

Jeongin had been clingier recently. Jisung suspected it was because he had spent so much time with either Chan or Felix, or Changbin and Yuki. They hadn’t had much time to themselves, but Jisung was trying to juggle so many things, he couldn’t keep up.

“I’ll pick you up later tonight!” Jisung lifted him into his arms and walked him out the door. Changbin and Yuki were already waiting outside.

Jeongin snuggled close to him as they walked, uncharacteristically quiet and subdued. He didn’t lift his head when Changbin greeted him.

“Alright honey, it’s time to go.” Jisung crouched and pulled the boy away from him.

“I don’t want to go.” Jeongin shook his head and his bottom lip started to quiver.

“You’re going to have such a blast!” Jisung tapped his nose with a smile. “I want you to tell me all about it!”

He stood and handed Jeongin’s carry bag to Changbin. Jeongin wrapped his arms around Jisung’s leg, pressing his face against his thigh.

“Sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into him.” Jisung laughed nervously.

“They’re waiting for you bud.” Jisung took Jeongin’s arms from around his legs. “Don’t you want to touch the jellyfish?”

“I want to see them with daddy!” Jeongin started crying.

“Oh gosh.” Jisung sucked in a breath and tried to calm down the crying boy.

“I want to stay with you!” Jeongin tried to hug Jisung again but bumped his nose against his leg and stopped, looking disoriented.

“It’s okay honey.” Jisung lifted him up and glanced at Changbin. “One moment. I’m sorry.”

He apologized but they waved it away, letting him walk a small distance from them to try to talk Jeongin down.

“Why are you crying?” Jisung patted his back. “I’ll be right here when you get back!”

“I miss daddy.” Jeongin whimpered, rubbing his fist over his eyes.

It felt like a gunshot to the heart for Jisung. He froze and his breath caught for a moment.

“I want to stay with you. W-we can eat gummies a-and do reading.” Jeongin hiccupped, hugging Jisung tighter. “I don’t want you to leave me again.”

The tears rose up in Jisung so fast he had to bite his lip hard to keep from crying right there with Jeongin in his arms.

“Can I please?” he whispered and Jisung melted. He was supposed to send Jeongin on the trip to the aquarium but he couldn’t after his heartbroken plea to stay with him.

“Oh baby-.” And now Jisung was crying, his emotions crashing over him like a tidal wave. It felt like he was giving Jeongin away in that moment. He couldn’t give away his baby.

But it was something he had decided to do. He had to do. He felt numb as he walked Jeongin back to Changbin and Yuki, tears slipping down his face.

“Jisung-.” Changbin frowned in worry when he saw his state.

“Take him.” Jisung choked out, trying to pull Jeongin away from him.

“It’s okay, we can wait.” Changbin assured him but Jisung knew he wouldn’t be able to last if he stayed any longer.

Jeongin stopped crying when Jisung set him down. He just kept his head down and reached out his hand, grasping for someone to hold onto. Changbin took his hand, looking at Jisung with concern.

Jisung wiped at his tears roughly and stepped backwards away from them. He couldn’t say anything. He just backed away until he could turn and escape around the side of the building.

His back thudded against the wall as he stumbled backwards out of sight. A sob choked out of his throat and he pressed his hand against his mouth to stifle any further noises. Every internal conflict he had experienced of the past few weeks rose up and crashed into him like a storm he hadn’t seen coming.

He went to Chan. He could barely drive with how bad his vision was and the way his body felt weak. He was giving up his child and experiencing the pain of parting. Maybe it was good he thought for a moment. He was going through it before the actual moment of separation.

When he parked in Chan’s driveway, he couldn’t do anything but sob. Both of his hands gripped the steering wheel tightly in an attempt to ground himself and his forehead rested against the middle of it.

Chan opened his door after a minute of sitting in the driveway. He said something Jisung couldn’t process and then reached over him and managed to turn the car off. The more Jisung thought about it, the more he felt sick.

His body visibly shook with the force of his despair. Chan ran his hand up and down his back, letting him sit with his head pressed against the steering wheel and his seatbelt still on.

After almost twenty minutes, Chan uncurled his fingers from the steering wheel. It was as if he was saying it was time. It was time to return back to his life even if it felt like it was cracking apart. He couldn’t destroy himself. Not now.

He let Chan unbuckle him and lift him from his seat. He could stand on his own feet but he sagged against the older man, hugging him desperately. He needed something warm and stable in the moment.

Chan let him take his time for another few minutes before he pulled apart and brought them inside. The warm inside of the house as he was coming down from his meltdown made his head feel fuzzy.

“Sit.” Chan pressed a hand to his back to guide him to the couch.

Jisung did what he was told. He shrugged the sleeves of his oversized sweater over his hands and ran them over his face to dry the tears. He was sure he looked like a mess.

Chan took his time making Jisung comfortable. He grabbed a box of tissues and lay a blanket over Jisung’s legs.

“What’s going on Ji?” he finally asked. His voice and expression were sad as he sat in front of Jisung on the coffee table.

Jisung shifted his eyes to the ceiling, trying to blink away more tears and swallowing hard. How could he explain?

“Jeongin knows.” he finally said hoarsely.

Out of all of the things attacking his heart, this was first and foremost. Deep down he knew Jeongin knew as well. And it absolutely destroyed him.

“He knows I’m giving him up and he’s begging me not to.” Jisung started crying again. “He just wanted to be with me a-and I sent him away!”

He covered his face with his hands at the end and hunched over. It was so hard to recognize out loud, but at the same time the honesty with himself sent a wave of release over him.

“I don’t know what to do!” Jisung sniffled and straightened up again. “I don’t know how to let him go!”

It was so hard to look at Jeongin knowing the impending betrayal that would take place. Earlier had just been a small glimpse of the emotional destruction that would come.

“Why are you doing this Jisung?” Chan asked quietly. He folded his hands together and looked at Jisung steadily.

“Because I want to do what’s best for him.” Jisung repeated numbly. It was a mantra that had circled in his mind over and over.

“Is this what’s best for him?” Chan asked.

His voice held no emotion to sway Jisung one way or another. He was simply asking Jisung if he really thought what he was doing was best for Jeongin. It felt like a burst of cold water into Jisung’s frenzied mind. Why was it the best thing for him when everything inside him screamed that it was wrong.

“I-I don’t know…” Jisung whispered brokenly. His eyes pleaded with Chan to tell him. To help him know what to do.

“He loves you Jisung.” Chan told him. “He loves you.”

It shouldn’t be something that felt earth shattering to Jisung. He knew Jeongin loved him. He really did. But in the moment of vulnerability and uncertainty it was what he needed to hear most.

He texted Changbin shakily. He didn’t trust himself to call. They hadn’t gone to the aquarium. They had stayed at their house because they didn’t want to put Jeongin through the overstimulation with how upset he was.

It took Jisung fifteen minutes to get to their house. Only Changbin and Jeongin were outside. Jisung didn’t notice the nice house, the perfect lawn, or anything else. He only saw Jeongin, reaching out to touch the bubbles that Changbin blew in his direction.

Jisung ran to him. He crossed the space between them in seconds, falling to his knees and grabbing Jeongin into his arms. Jeongin made a little gasp of surprise and Changbin shifted backwards to give them space.

“I’m here honey. I’m right here.” Jisung gasped out. He pressed his nose against the side of Jeongin’s head, breathing in the apple conditioner he used.

“Daddy?” Jeongin slowly wrapped his arms back around him.

“I’m right here.” Jisung pulled him impossibly closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“Y-you’re squishing me.” Jeongin managed to get out.

Jisung pulled back and framed the sides of Jeongin’s face with his hands. He was so beautiful. Even his eyes which would never see. Everything was perfect to Jisung. Because it was his son and he loved him more than anything in the universe.

“I love you Jeongin.” he said it out loud, running his hand through his hair and pulling him back against his chest. His head fit perfectly against his shoulder like they were never meant to me separated.

“I love you too daddy.” Jeongin pressed a soft kiss against the side of his neck and Jisung’s heart squeezed again. This time in assurance. He could never let Jeongin go.

He looked up at Changbin with his vision blurred by tears yet again. An apology was on his lips, an explanation, or something but it didn’t need to be voiced.

“It’s okay.” Changbin offered him a gentle smile. “We already knew.”

Jisung knew it was painful for Changbin and Ara. They had become attached to Jeongin just like everyone else who seemed to come into his orbit. But somehow, they had seen it coming. They knew Jisung was the one who orbited Jeongin closest. His universe wouldn’t be the same without him.

“You’re coming home with me.” Jisung lifted Jeongin into his arms. “I won’t ever send you away again.”

Jisung didn’t have much to say for himself. He knew that all of the issues still existed. All of the struggles were still there. He would always find some way he was inadequate for Jeongin. But he couldn’t deny that he loved him immensely. And he couldn’t tear that love away.

\--------

Two months later, Jisung woke up to a familiar body crawling over him in bed. Small fingers traced over his eyes, checking if he was awake.

“Good morning baby.” Jisung said softly.

Jeongin giggled and burrowed under the blankets, cozying up to his warmth.

Jisung opened his eyes slowly after Jeongin wiggled off the bed and left the room. He heard a thud and winced. Jeongin hadn’t gotten used to the layout of the new apartment yet.

Happy laughter filtered through the apartment and he relaxed, knowing Jeongin was okay. He checked his phone before getting out of bed. There were so many things on his schedule for the week but today he was free. It was nice after having so many appointments to go to recently.

Jisung felt better every day. He had a job. He had a more spacious apartment. His new book was hitting the shelves next week, and Jeongin was thriving.

“You look comfy.”

Jisung looked down at himself when he entered the kitchen. His shirt was on inside out and he was sure he had terrible bedhead.

“The pillow fight last night did a number on me.” he teased, rumpling Jeongin’s hair at the table.

“Want me to pick anything up from the store when I come home from work?” Felix asked him, reaching in the cupboard for a cup.

“Yeah, we need cereal and bread.” Jisung nodded. He started packing Jeongin’s lunch for him.

For the first time in a while, money wasn’t so tight. Jisung didn’t have to tightly budget everything out, which he still did anyways. The combined income of him and Felix made things more than bearable.

Living together again had been a good decision. They had worked it out so they paid half and half on the rent and bills and since they lived in a larger apartment, space wasn’t an issue. Jisung mostly worked from home, taking care of things at the apartment.

Felix dropped Jeongin off every day on his way to work and took him out whenever Jisung needed some peace and quiet.

“All set.” Jisung handed Felix Jeongin’s lunch bag.

“Bye daddy!” Jeongin reached out for him and gave him a hug when Jisung drew close.

“I’ll see you later honey.” Jisung kissed his nose and gave him a little squeeze.

Felix dropped him off at school and Jisung picked him up. It was a great system.

Felix took Jeongin’s hand in his own as they went to the door and he slipped his shoes on.

“See you at dinner.” Felix called back to Jisung with a smile.

“See you then.” Jisung smiled.

Yeah. Things had been hard. But they were getting better. Everything was alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SURPRISE! Was it what you thought? We were so close but Jisung just couldn't let Jeongin go! I hope you can take this as a touching story, not always real life! I'm not trying to make a statement about deciding one way or another for the parents going through this! It's all dependent on the situation and people! Let me know how you liked it!  
> ALSO! Please stay tuned for Chan's part! It's my favorite chapter in the whole story hehe!


	10. Chan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I'm at the end of my fourth story!! it's so crazy! I only started writing recently and I've come this far! Not to be sappy but, I recognize the usernames of all of you who leave sweet comments! I don't know if there is any way I could give you something special but I've seen other people do it so stay tuned! Enjoy the final chapter.
> 
> UPDATE ON NEW STORY BELOW

When Chan woke up, the other side of the bed was empty. It was comforting in an odd way. It meant that Sunhee was already downstairs, making breakfast and getting the day started. It meant everything was starting as it should be.

She was starting coffee when Chan joined her. He wrapped his arms around her waist and dropped his chin to her shoulder.

“Good morning.” she tilted her head up for a kiss.

Chan stayed with her for a moment, appreciating their presence in the sunlit kitchen. Their journey had been rough, but it always circled back to them just being together.

He trailed to the first door in the hallway. His fingertips traced over it for a moment before opening the door and entering. The familiar blue walls were now a comfort, not a painful memory. The bookshelf and the bin of stuffed toys and the dresser.

Chan patted the head of the caramel colored puppy sitting on the dresser. Still soft after all he had been through. He then sat on the bed with the matching blue sheets. There was something peaceful about just sitting for a moment.

“Breakfast is ready!” Sunhee called from the kitchen.

Chan smiled and leaned down to run his hand through the hair of the small boy under the covers. His dark hair was soft under his fingers.

Chan brushed his thumb across his cheek as sleepy brown eyes blinked awake slowly. Small hands rubbed at his pretty eyes and a quiet yawn rang out in the room.

“Good morning Min.” Chan helped the little boy get out of the covers.

Chan never got tired of getting up in the morning and watching his son wake up to his voice. Minho was the angel they had waited for. Sunhee had called him her angel as soon as he was born.

Angels were supposed to be protectors of those who were smaller and weaker, but Minho was a healer. He didn’t even know, but he had healed the broken pieces of both of their hearts. Instead of filling a space left behind, he created his own space in Chan’s heart.

“Daddy.” Minho held out his arms and Chan lifted him easily, holding him against his chest gently. Minho’s head lay on Chan’s shoulder, his hand resting on his shoulder and patting slightly.

“Are you ready for breakfast?” Chan stood.

Seungmin had looked like a photo copy of Chan with the personality of his mother. Minho was a reflection of Sunhee with the heart of his father. He was a daddy’s boy from head to toe.

“Mm hm.” Minho hummed, looping one arm closer around Chan’s neck.

Where Seungmin had been adventurous, Minho was shy. Seungmin had been independent from day one, while Minho preferred to stay with his daddy at all times. Seungmin loved puppies and Minho loved kitties.

Chan came into the kitchen and transferred Minho to Sunhee for morning kisses while he put oatmeal and fruit into Minho’s bowl.

Some mornings, Chan just couldn’t tear his eyes away from Minho. Couldn’t believe the sweet boy sitting next to him was really real. When he expressed his thoughts to Sunhee she laughed and assured him he was.

Chan was so attached to his son that Sunhee had to constantly remind him not to spoil Minho from such a young age.

Chan was woken up that night by Minho tugging on the sleeve of his sleep shirt, his eyes wide in the dark and his stuffed cat tucked under his arm. Minho regularly wandered into their room at night, hoping to get to sleep with them.

Chan helped lift him into bed and nestled him against his chest. Minho was always looking for cuddles and found them more often in Chan than Sunhee.

“Chan.” Sunhee sighed from next to him. “No more than three nights.”

It was now a rule that Minho could only sleep with them three nights out of the week since they were trying to get him to start sleeping in his own bed.

Chan winced but sat up and lifted Minho out of their bed, carrying him back to his own bed. Luckily it was dark so Chan couldn’t see Minho’s sad puppy dog eyes as well.

“You have to sleep in your own bed Min.” Chan placed him back under his blue covers and adjusted his cat plushie next to him.

Minho held his hand with both of his own, pouting out his lip because he knew he could get what he wanted that way.

“You’ll get me in trouble baby.” Chan pressed a kiss to his forehead and moved some of his plushies so he could lay down next to him. He loved falling asleep with Minho, hearing his soft breaths and feeling his faint heartbeat when he put his hand on his chest.

That was how Sunhee found them in the morning. She didn’t scold Chan, letting it slide just this once.

That was the thing with broken hearts. They were never completely fixed. There was always a little part of longing and missing, but that didn’t mean that healing wasn’t possible. Sometimes it came in way you wouldn’t expect.

Having Minho get sick was a constant fear for Chan. It was understandable but he tried to not panic every time Minho was feeling under the weather. He would always cuddle Minho extra close then, praying for the sickness to leave him with all his heart.

“Can we go outside?” Minho tugged on Chan’s shirt as he made sandwiches for lunch.

“You’re still sick baby.” Chan put his hand on his head. He had a fever the night before and was coughing but it was just a winter cold. “Let’s play inside where it’s warm.”

“Can we do a burrito and watch TV?” Minho asked.

“After we eat lunch.” Chan nodded.

Minho was a mild tempered child. He was mellow and went with the flow most of the time. Chan was hopelessly wrapped around his finger.

When they were done eating, Minho sat on Chan’s lap so they could do a burrito. Chan wrapped a blanket around the two of them so they were tucked in a cozy cocoon of warmth. Minho leaned his head back on Chan’s chest as they watched a show.

“I love you.” Chan kissed his head gently.

“I love you too.” Minho responded sweetly.

Chan rubbed his hand over Minho’s tummy, appreciating the little moments they got to have together. It’s like he had gotten a second chance.

On the weekend, Chan wrapped Minho in a warm coat and tugged mittens on his little fingers. He even wrapped a scarf around his neck. Minho looked so round swaddled up warmly. It made Chan want to squeeze him, but they had places to be.

Chan held Minho’s hand as he slid around on the icy driveway. He giggled, thinking it was a game. Chan struggled to strap him into his carseat with his extra padding.

“Too tight!” Minho gasped, wiggling his hands around in the air.

Chan took the time to adjust the straps and make sure he was snug but comfortable.

“Alright! On our way!” Chan announced as they moved out of the driveway carefully. The snow from the night before had made the roads icy.

“Can we look at kitties on the way home?” Minho asked, already anticipating going past the pet store.

“I think it will be too late.” Chan replied. “But we can go tomorrow.”

“Okay.” Minho nodded and then imitated a tiny meow.

Chan laughed at how adorable he was.

As he turned the corner on the icy street, another car appeared, veering dangerously close to the wrong side. Chan gripped his wheel tightly, jerking to the side to avoid the other vehicle. His back tires hit an icy patch and the car fishtailed dangerously close to the side of the road.

Chan hastily turned the wheel, trying to stop the car from sliding further. The other car passed and their car slid to a slow stop.

Chan let out a shaky breath and twisted in his seat to look back at Minho. He stared back at him with wide, innocent eyes. He was safe.

It was scary but nothing had happened to Minho. For some reason, it reassured Chan tremendously. There was no force working against them. It was just little parts of life.

“You okay Min?” Chan checked just in case.

Minho nodded, looking stunned more than anything.

Chan forced himself to smile to encourage and comfort Minho before continuing on their way.

He walked Minho up the front steps of the apartment complex, feeling much better. He knocked on the door and swung Minho’s arm back and forth while they waited.

“Hey! Come in!” Jisung opened the door, waving them in from the cold quickly.

He enveloped Chan in a tight hug and then crouched down so Minho could hug him too.

“I got new mittens.” Minho said shyly, holding his hands up to see.

“I love them!” Jisung tickled their fingers together.

“All morning he was asking how much longer until we were going to see you.” Chan said quietly as Minho sat down and took his boots off.

“Jeongin was asking for you too.” Jisung laughed.

On cue, Jeongin came into view. Chan gave him a hug, amazed at how much he had grown. He used to be so small.

Minho hugged Chan’s leg, shy again, wanting him to introduce him to Jeongin. He was always a little shy at first even though he had so many play days with Jeongin.

Jeongin felt for Minho’s hand, gently pulling him away.

“I want to show you this new kitty game we got!” he said. That got Minho perking up and following after him quickly.

Chan followed Jisung into the living room. He raised his hand to Changbin in greeting. The couple had stayed connected to Jisung and were finalizing adoption of their own child at the moment.

Felix was in the kitchen, pulling cinnamon rolls out of the oven.

“These are new.” Chan commented. “Doing some holiday baking?”

“I’m lucky I have a personal baker.” Jisung slung his arm around Felix’s shoulder.

Felix smiled and blushed shyly. He was modest about his baking skills.

Chan was happy being there with the people he loved. It was cozy and comforting. Especially knowing how much they had all been through together.

Minho wandered in after a little while, going to Jisung’s side. He just stood there, staring up at Jisung with wide brown eyes.

Chan laughed lightly at him. He adored Jisung. Maybe it was how Jisung told him stories, or gave the best tickles, or spoiled him just a bit more than Chan.

It was sweet how Jeongin had latched on to Chan and Minho had latched on to Jisung. Maybe it was just destiny that both of their sons loved them as much as they loved each other.

Jisung noticed Minho quietly waiting next to him as he helped Felix with the cinnamon rolls. His smile softened and he reached down to pick Minho up. Minho smiled happily, looking at Chan proudly.

“I’m going to steal this little kitten.” Jisung informed Chan. “He’s mine now.”

Minho giggled, looking at Chan with sparkling eyes.

“I’m stealing this one!” Chan grabbed Jeongin in a hug as he passed by.

Jeongin squealed in surprise but then hugged Chan back.

Minho straightened in Jisung’s arms as if he was offended that Chan would suggest a trade. Chan raised his eyebrows at him just to tease.

Minho reached his hand out to Chan like he was demanding an apology.

Chan rumpled Jeongin’s hair and shook Minho’s hand.

Jeongin reached out and then hugged Jisung as well. Minho was distracted by Jeongin and forgot about being angry at Chan.

He looked at Jisung for a moment and then shyly pressed a quick kiss to his cheek. Jisung looked at Chan and pretended to clutch his heart. Minho gestured with his hand for Chan to come close. When he leaned his head in, Minho gave him a kiss too, bumping his nose against his cheek clumsily.

Lastly, Minho kissed his hand and then patted Jeongin’s head.

“Minho gave you a kiss honey.” Jisung let him know.

“Thank you!” Jeongin beamed up at Minho, kissing his hand and pressing it to Minho’s foot since he was in Jisung’s arms.

Minho reached for Chan again so he gathered him into his arms, enjoying chatting with Jisung as the warm apartment filled with the smell of cinnamon.

The next morning, Minho slept late. He had played late the night before with Jeongin, making a blanket fort in his room.

“Good morning sleepyhead.” Chan rubbed his tummy as Minho stretched his arms above his head.

“It’s my birthday.” Minho said sleepily.

“It is!” Chan laughed. “Are you excited.”

“Yes. I want strawberry pancakes for breakfast.” Minho sat up.

Chan had promised strawberry pancakes for his birthday and that was what Minho was most excited for. Chan hadn’t hinted at his gift yet.

Sunhee stole a long kiss from Chan as they came in the kitchen.

“Remember, you have to take care of his present, not me.” she shook her finger at him.

“I will.” Chan promised.

Minho sat on the couch when it was time to give his present. He covered is eyes obediently as Chan instructed him.

“Okay, you can open.” Chan said once he was crouched in front of Minho.

It took Minho a minute to realize what he was holding in his arms. His eyes grew wide and he pressed his hands together like he didn’t believe it was real.

“It’s for you.” Chan laughed at his reaction.

Minho reached for the small kitten in Chan’s arms.

“Really? For me?” Minho whispered.

Chan carefully transferred the kitten to Minho’s arms. He held her gently. Chan knew he would be careful.

“Happy birthday baby.” Chan shared a smile with Sunhee. “You can name her.”

“Really?” Minho was still so shocked, his eyes only for the kitten.

“She’s yours.” Sunhee assured him, brushing his hair gently back from his face.

Minho trace one finger carefully over her small head.

“She’s my kitty…” he whispered.

“She’s your kitty and you’re my baby.” Chan leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Minho’s forehead. “My second baby.”

One day they would tell him about Seungmin. One day he would know what a blessing he was to them. In the moment they would let him grow up healthy and happy, as their baby.

Chan shared a meaningful look with Sunhee. There was a lot of memories packed into their hearts, and they were just making more.

“Thank you, daddy and mommy.” Minho said, still enthralled with his kitty.

“You’re welcome.” Sunhee smiled.

“I love you.” Chan said, unbelievably happy in the moment.

Minho looked at him with a bright smile.

“I love you daddy.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finished!! Was it happy?? So... I will be posting a new story on Chuseok but also continuing with the Home series! For anyone who knows those ones! This new story will be a new genre! oooooo! Hopefully you all enjoy! <3


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